Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Dave's Boots

See these big honking boots? I know you do. Aren't they ugly? They are very warm and keep Dave's feet protected. They are also very easy to slide on when a lazy wife has to go to the wood boiler and doesn't want to tie her own boots.
Now see the other boots? Yeah, I'm going somewhere with this. These are the boots Dave brought home when I told him I needed boots. He didn't understand what I wanted though. I wanted pretty boots. He wouldn't go buy my dress shoes, why would he think I would want him to buy my snow boots. Uggs they ain't. Do you also notice the size difference? I take a delicate size 6. Hee, Hee. Who am I kidding, they are 8's. His are a 12.
As you can see, my petite foot is dwarfed by the boot.
Now I will tell you about a very lazy wife, one who had just recently given birth.
Dane was probably two weeks old when Dave brought another load of wood home. He threw it off the back of the trailer onto the floor of the big shed. He was getting ready to stack this pile of wood when his lazy wife told him not to. She wanted the exercise. Lazy wife wanted to stack it. So Dave said are you sure you are going to stack it because I don't want anyone getting hurt tripping over it. Oh yes, lazy wife said, I will, it will give me something to do while the baby sleeps. Two days later the wood still isn't stacked. Dave asks lazy wife when she is going to do it. Lazy wife just smiles and says soon. Pretty soon a week has gone by and the wood still has not been stacked. So Dave now knows he'll have to stack this pile of wood that is blocking the way of the already stacked wood. But, he can't resist ragging on his wife. Every time he calls her he asks if the wood is stacked. When he goes to put wood in the stove he made comments on the pile of wood. Pretty soon lazy wife had an attitude about the pile of wood. Now it was her foe, her enemy, her nemesis. Not only that, but every time she went to the stacked wood she had to crawl over the pile to get to it. Instead of stacking it, like a good wife who said she was going to she blocked it out of her mind.
One afternoon lazy wife had to go to the wood boiler and she didn't want to. It was frigging cold out and she hadn't been the the boiler all day. She knew the fire would probably have died out and she would have to work to get the boiler back up to temperature. So she slipped on her husbands boots. You know, the ones at the top of the page. And she proceeded to trudge outside. The boots were so heavy that her feet had to drag as she walked. She also noticed that they were very warm. She got to the boiler and as luck would have it the boiler still had wood in it and the temperature was where it should be. She was so excited. In and out in five minutes she thought. She went inside the shed and saw the perfect pieces of wood she would need to throw in the boiler. Problem was they were in the pile of wood not the stacked stuff. So she starts to climb up and over the pile and as she starts to lean over to get the wood, her boot, I mean her husbands boot, gets caught in between pieces of wood. Lazy wife can't control what is starting to happen because the boot is so big. As she tries to pull the boot out, her not so svelte body, starts to sway in the opposite direction. As she turns to look at where she is falling and she is falling fast, her face smacks into a bag of concrete mix. All she remembers is the crunch of her face and then blessedly nothing.
After a few minutes she opens her eyes and thinks okay, I'm alive, I can move and then she sees blood and totally flips out. She pulls herself together to fill the boiler with wood (we have to be warm) and stumbles back into the house. As she gets inside the kitchen the phone rings and it's her husband. Lazy wife is trying to act like nothing is wrong and when Dave asks what is wrong, lazy wife really loses it and starts to blubber and pours the whole sordid story out. Of course Dave can't understand a frigging thing she is saying. All he hears is, sob, I blood, sob. fucking wood boiler, etc.
Dave cancels his next appointment and comes home and stacks the wood.
Moral of the story. Don't be a lazy wife. It will smack you in the face every time.


Anonymous said...

Used t' be, you'd smack yer lazy wife yerself...

Them's were the days !

KimberlyDi said...

Anonymous cowards don't smack anyone. Because they are cowards.

Loved the story. You were lucky that you weren't hurt worse than you were.

Stacy D. Briefing said...

Wow! (Anonymous) Archie Bunker reads your blog too?!! :)Who knew?! LOL!

I too always throw on my hubbies shoes to do outdoor chores (wouldn't want to muck up my own!:) Feel terrible about your injury!!! And yet,... strangely comforted to know I'm not the only one prone to moments of "gracefulness"!

Mama Goose said...

Sorry, but I found that hillarious. And oddly similar to a woodstacking - or lack thereof - incident at my house. Though there was no blood. Just wicked blisters!

Anonymous said...

Sheeeeeze, it's called IRONY, people !

Now stiffle yerselves !

( more irony, haha, i crack me up ! )

FishermansDaughter said...

Wife smakin references?

NOT irony.

Insulting, iniquitous, idiotic, inofficious, insalubrious - seeing how they all begin with the letter "I" one can understand your confusion.

Melissa I have a similar story where I almost cut my thumb off with a saw - only I had to finish the job myself - dangling thumb and all. Got yourself a keeper!