Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Oh Happy Day

Dave drug me out of bed this morning at 5am to make me walk with him. I wasn't happy starting out but I quickly got in swing of things. Dave was walking Trapper and I couldn't keep up to them so I took Trapper. I found that I could be dragged almost anywhere.
My loving husband wants us to look like this picture. We ain't never gonna look like that again. I also hope that he never tries to match his own clothes again. Did he think he matched? What about my hair? It's 1993 the 80's were over. Sadly I kept my hair like that until I became Missy flat head back in 2000.

When we got back to the house he got ready and left for work and I got to start my day with the fruits of our loins. Everything was going well and I was falsely thinking that it would be a wonderful day with the kids. That is, until I had to go to the bathroom.
As I'm trying to sneak in Chrissy plies me with 20 questions. Where are you going? Why? Are you going to take a shower? How long will you be? Oh my flipping word!!!! What's a mother to do?

So I dash in the bathroom and quickly close the door. Whew, I think I've made it. Then the knock. Mumma. Mumma. Dane, I say, mommy is using the bathroom. Go find your crayons and colour. Do you think it worked? No, Dane starts to scream and cry and bang on the door trying to get in someone is trying to kill him.

At this point I'd do anything for some quiet. So I start to sing to him to calm him down. So sing with me today folks.

To the tune of George Thorogood's I Drink Alone.

I poop alone, yeah yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I poop alone I prefer to be by myself......

I won't go on but I'm sure you get it and can finish "by yourself"
Mom Update
It's 1:12 and mom is very sick. She needs fluids. The cancer center closes at 4pm and it takes 4 hours to get her fluids. We can't go to the hospital because as of 12: something this afternoon there are 3 cases of the SWINE FLU here in Maine. Two in Kennebec County, which is where we live, and one in York county. The Swine Flu! Can you imagine? I'm sure my husband will be thrilled since he goes to at least 4 different homes a day all across Maine.
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Monday, April 27, 2009

While moms away

So I have a sitter this afternoon while the girls are making birthday cards for their dad and Dane's taking a nap. I didn't feel like dragging everyone to the grocery store. Dane has been wearing this helmet for about a week now. Today he took his nap with it on.
After I got home from the store and put everything away I gave the kids popcicles. Of course Dane got it everywhere. So I took his helmet off to wash him up when imagine to my GREAT surprise I saw this......

Daddy sure is going to love this picture.
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Saturday, April 25, 2009

I really messed up this time

My mom has been really sick again. The chemo has just wiped her out. Today was a beautiful day. The first one of the year. My mom and I spent it on the fourth floor of the hospital getting pumped full of fluids. My mom, not me. I just hung out. I should have seen that she was dehydrated sooner. We could have prevented her getting so sick. Its been like a three ring circus at our house lately. Everyone always needs something from me. Food, drink, boogers wiped, puked picked up or to be touched. I gotta tell ya, I'm a little sick of touching and being touched. Cause I'm not touching or getting touched if you know what I mean. We are still in the girls room and my mom is two rooms away. We home school so there is always people around. How can I have "you know what" with my mom in the house? Am I sixteen?

But the real mess up I made was on Friday night. I belong, (belonged, after Friday.) to the Secret Pal program at our Church. For those of you that don't know what that is, it's a program where you pray for someone all year and during the year you send or give the letters and little gifts to them without them finding out who you are.
The big Reveling Banquet was Friday. Now I knew I wasn't going to be able to go and I promised the person in charge I would drop my gift off before hand. It is a big deal. Everyone gets a gift and thanks their pal. Only I forgot to drop off my gift. So my pal had to sit through the whole event and she didn't get a thing. I know it's not supposed to be about the gift, but when fifty woman or so get together and gifts are flying around it had had to hurt. I am a piece of dung.
Hopefully I can corner her tomorrow at Church and apologise profusely.
But this whole thing with my mom, this is what its done to me. I am stretched so far beyond my limit that I'm going to snap at any minute. I won't go Postal or anything. I might just sit and cry for weeks on end. If I had a beer in the house tonight there would be a tear in it.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

A Murder Mystery

Imagine my surprise yesterday morning when I opened the front door and looked down and saw this. A dead frog. Eww gross.
As I tried to keep smelly dog from eating it, I could feel the creepiness  all around me.  Poor froggy. Where did he come from? How did he get here? How did he die? Who would do such a thing? What should I do? Should I stick him in a Ziploc and put him in the freezer so we can dissect him at a later date? Should I scream for Dave? Yeah, that's what I'll do. That's what I did. He in turn brought all the kids out to try and determine cause and time of death. We are home schooled after all. (This is why we drink) 
As I stood outside begging smelly dog to go pee I took a good look around, wondering, why the poor senseless murder of a frog should end up on my porch and who could do such a horrific crime.
Posted by PicasaAre You Talking To Me? Yeah, that's right! Are you talking to me? Cause I don't know what your talkin about. I'm innocent, you can't prove a thing.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Please don't lock me up and throw away the key

Disclaimer: The views shared in this post are not mine (Melissa) they are of crazy Premenstrual Melissa.
This is my moms dog Baily. I actually hate her. She's old and she stinks and she has to be walked at least four times a day. This damn dog will eat anything. Crayons, tissues, food from the babies mouth, cat poop and most recently, Horse Chestnuts, which by the way will make a dog puke and poop violently. I really enjoyed cleaning up that mess, over and over again. Also my mom stresses the dog out. If my mom is really upset, like when she was getting ready to move, the dog stinks so bad it makes you want to puke. I actually think I did at one point. Worse yet, I'm sure when I was hauling them from Florida to Maine and we stopped at almost every Cracker Barrel to check out the mark down racks, we probably reeked liked the dog. I think that's why people kept staring at us. We STUNK!
But to my surprise, after a week of being here the dog wasn't so smelly. And she wasn't so smelly until my mom got freaked out again and held onto the dog and cried. She then became smelly once again. Are you following? The dog not my mom. Stinking really bad.
So we walked our own dog several times a day and my moms dog several times a day all freaking winter. I have grown to hate her. I can't help it. Her hips are very bad and mom won't face it. She has big tumors on various parts of her body, to which she doesn't want checked because she doesn't want to know the truth.
Posted by PicasaSo last week, as you all know, I had a melt down. Poor Dave, did he know he married a crazy person?
As I sat on the couch sobbing in my wine and to Dave, I told him I had a plan. If you knew Dave you would see the look of amusement on his face as he said "let's hear it."
Well, I said really warming up, tomorrow when mom goes to sleep, I'll take the dog to the vet and have her put to sleep! Then I'll race back here with the dog and slide her dead ass back in the crate and when mom wakes up, BAM!!!! Dog died peacefully in her crate.
As I looked over at Dave waiting for his approval he started to laugh and said "Jesus Melissa!"
Foiled again....

Saturday, April 18, 2009

There is always a new day.

Look! I have Pussy Willows. Actually I have 6 of them. Pretty good for the tree's first winter outside. The tree is called a Weeping Pussy Willow. I had no idea when I bought it what it was. The tag said it complimented a Weeping Willow. So I bought it. What this all means is that now I believe that spring is finally here!
Yea me! Yea spring.

Even the river is wonderful to me this morning! I'm hoping we have a great day together as a family.
Mom had chemo yesterday and seems to be holding for now. I have to remember to make sure and check her periodically
through the day. She has her mini fridge so I don't have to check on her hourly. As a matter of fact I have not heard a word out of her since she beeped me for coffee at 6:45am. So I suppose I should check on her soon.
We had some good news yesterday. (If you can call it that. I guess it depends on how you look at it.)

First let me explain this. I'll try to explain it as the doctor did but if I don't get it right don't hold me to it.
Everyone, (yes, everyone) has cancer cells in their body. The normal is in the thirties. (No, I don't know if he meant the thirties or thirty thousands.) My mom was 54. Some people could have a count of 752. It does not mean that their cancer is worse or better than my mom's, it just means that's what they have. (They find out this by doing a blood test and the cancer cells are what have leaked out of your blood cells.) I hope I'm making sense. Anyway, since my mom's first chemo, a month from yesterday, her count went from 54 down to 42. This means that the cancer in her chest is getting "better"!? She still will never be cured but maybe buy her more time. That's all I'm gonna say for now because I have definite opinions on prolonging the agony.

On other subjects, we still don't have our bedroom finished. Not even close. On one hand, it really sucks, on the other we wouldn't hear conversations like the one we heard last night.

Mimi- Where did you go when we were playing soccer?
Chrissy- I had to pee.
Mimi- Did you make it?
Chrissy- No, that's why I didn't stop when you yelled for me.
Mimi- Did you pee them bad?
Chrissy- (laughing) Yup, all the way down my leg.
Mimi- (Really laughing) Do you remember when you "parted"?
Me- (because now I'm laughing) What's parted?
Mimi- It's pooped and farted because we can't say "shart"

Now that's stuff we wouldn't hear if we had our own room!
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Wednesday, April 15, 2009


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This has been my week so far. Just like these pictures. Two different cameras and not one decent picture. My head feels like its about to explode.
Easter according to my mom was a grand day. Grand if you like (me) exploding into a F bomb rage and throwing a bottle of hand soap at the bathroom wall while getting the girls ready to sing at the Easter services. Grand if you don't get to the food in time and your mother adds a stick of butter to everything you've made. Grand if every time you turned around you got to hear about how sick Grammy is (according to Grammy) but she's not going to die. Then she goes on to tell you about all the bad things that have happened to her and everyone else she knows.
Mom, did you know Jesus died on the cross for our sins and only he truly knows when we are going to die? Mom did you know that you might have all of your chemo treatments and after the last one get hit by a car in the parking lot on the way to your car?

Funny story (TRUE)

On Sunday my mom came to the first service to see the girls sing. Now she has been VERY ill and she leaves right after they sing. She almost falls because she is so weak. Our neighbor brought her so she wouldn't drive. She looks like hell.
Yesterday, (Tuesday) I'm outside raking. My neighbor ( different one who goes to the same church) is outside also. He saw how my mom struggled Sunday and how hard she tried to let EVERYONE know how hard she had it.
Well yesterday as I was raking, I made my mom come out to get fresh air. All I wanted her to do is sit on a chair. When I wasn't looking she picked up a fucking rake and started to rake! I'm watching my neighbor because he's looking at my house and when I turn to look at what he's looking at, there's my mom...... RAKING!!!! I can't win.
My kids all have the nasty respiratory infection that my mom has had. I don't know how much more puke patrol I can do. To top it off last night Dave had his own puke patrol to tend to cause now he has it.
When my mom moved in it was supposed to be for the winter. I didn't count on being a full time care giver. Yes she can do things but she has to be constantly watched. She doesn't do what the Dr. tells her. She is supposed to be drinking a lot of water to prepare herself for chemo so she doesn't get dehydrated again and guess what!? She doesn't like water! She drinks 1+ 2 liter bottles of soda a day. If she drinks water she has to put juice in it. I swear it's like having a 4 year old.
I'm really FUCKING hating my sister right now. The FUCKING BITCH. I have no one to talk to(every time I try people say I will be rewarded in the end) The end of what? My marriage? My husband taking my kids and leaving cause mommies a nut case?
My mom might have 5 years left. But of what? Being constantly sick and having to rely on her daughter for everything. My mom can drive 30 miles to the next big city but she's too tired to drive home. She can barely drive 8 miles to go to Walmart and make it home. She can't even care for her dog. That's NOT A LIFE!!!!!!

and there's not a fucking thing I can do to help her. So I'm just gonna hate everyone today......

Monday, April 13, 2009

When Mom has the Camera

This one here absolutely hates to have her picture taken unless it's on her terms. As hard as I try I'm just not quick enough to get her picture.
Please mommy, stop taking my picture. Your embarrassing me!
She will even drop to the dirty floor and crawl by me thinking that I won't be able to see her and take her picture. I can see years of therapy in this child's future.

Happy Monday Everyone! This morning is starting out bright and cheery! The sun is shining and it's 40 outside. The girls are up and fed and not screaming at each other. We have a huge school week planned. Nose to the grindstone so to speak. We have missed so much school because of my mom being sick that I don't know if we will catch up before it's time to test the children the end of July. I always get really nervous at this time of year. Did they learn enough! Will Dave make me put them back in school? Am I a complete failure? Do the neighbors think I'm a F bomb dropping, screaming lunatic? Only time will tell......
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Saturday, April 11, 2009

These are the picture that go with the previous post!

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Going, going, gone

The weather here in Maine has been getting warmer. So that means I have to drag the kids outside daily to get the "stink" blown off of them. It also means that they can drag out toys that they can't play with inside. Like this baseball stand. It is one of Danes favorite toys. I think maybe his basketball hoop might be his favorite. Or maybe the soccer set or or or the football. As long as he can thrown it, swing at it or kick it, he's a happy boy. The girls love to play with Dane to. I think it's because they can always win when they play against him.
Dane's at that age where everything is new and exciting. I wish I could find as much joy in everyday things. He would spend all afternoon just hitting the ball over and over.
He doesn't even mind running after it and bringing it back.
Unlike this guy here. If he gets hold of the ball, you might as well kiss it good bye. And put on your running shoes to take off after him to get it.

Other news, my mom had been really sick again. She didn't receive chemo Friday but we did go to the cancer clinic to get her blood checked. We were there on Thursday also, to get her hydrated. She was very concerned about not getting her chemo treatment this week. The doctor explained to her that it was okay that she didn't receive it because we know that it is working for now, but because her cancer will never completely go away it wasn't worth making her sicker by giving her chemo. My mom has so much hope that the chemo will keep the cancer at bay and she will live for at least five years. All I see is her getting sicker and sicker and I think she's been given a lot of BS. I wish I could feel such hope. She is feeling better today and has even been to the city twice with me today. She looks like hell, her face is very pale and kind of grey. She needs to go in and have her head shaved because it's falling out in clumps. There was a big clump of hair in her room the other night and I grabbed it and put it on the kitchen counter as Dave was making dinner. He made all kinds of noises when he saw it and made me remove it. He said it would have been funny had it not been so gross. I thought it was funny...

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Wordless Wednesday

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10 Seconds to bedlam!

Last Saturday morning our local Park and Rec group gave a free breakfast with the Easter Bunny. Since I'm on the board of this group I had to have my fat backside up and over to the town hall at the crack of dawn. I thought I could sneak out the door alone and have Dave bring the kids later but Dane woke up. You know how that goes. Upon getting there, we find out that in the past 48 hours, someone has come in and taken the big griddles and all of the spoons. Go figure. I don't have a really big fry pans and our griddle is built in to the stove. With what we have to use we can make 7 pancakes at a time. I don't panic because we gave out tickets for 60 people. No big deal. Right? Then we find out that another board member dropped 300 fliers off at the local school. Yikes! From then out it was pure chaos.
After that debacle we race home to get ready for a surprise party for my aunt and uncle. They live fifty minutes from my house (on a good day) the party starts at 1pm and it's 11:30. I race into the house issuing orders like a drill Sargent. My mom who was supposed to be ready to go is feeling sorry for herself. Her hair is falling out (she's refusing to shave it and I'm finding the shit everywhere.) she hasn't seen these people in 20 years, (who's fault is that?) the list goes on and on. I tell her, get your ass ready the train leaves in 10 minutes. The girls are fighting and Marian climbs up on a shelf in the hall closet to hide her sisters guitar and the shelf and half the hall closet come tumbling down. My heart is really starting to thump. I decide to take Marian and Dane with me. Chrissy wants to stay with Dave and they are going to Home Cheapo to get stuff to fix the closet. My mom comes downstairs.
We pile into the car and head out. My mom insists that she needs to get my aunt and uncle a gift even though we have a card. We are running out of time. Lei Fung (Dave's GPS) said we'll be there at 1:01. NOW we have to stop. I REALLY hate being late. Especially to a surprise party. Sigh. We stop and get a Yankee Candle and a party bag. Then she makes me go around a drive through to get her a drink. My chest is stating to thump hard again. We get on the interstate and mom looks down and sees that two of the three flowers from the party bag have fallen off. This causes her GREAT distress and I have to find an On the Go gas station for some glue. She wouldn't chew a stick of gum like I suggested and stick them on like that. The station didn't have any glue so I got tape much to mom's disappointment. It did work. We arrived 1 hour and 10 minutes late. It was great to see all of my aunts and uncles and cousins and their families. Some of these people I see every week and some only when someone has a party. I think we should have more parties. We could only stay an hour because my mom suddenly felt ill. On the way home she insisted we pick up Chinese food for dinner. I said I thought you were sick. She then again stated she wanted Chinese food. I stop and get her what she wants. By the time we got home and fed everyone got them bathed it was time for bed. I briefly looked in the hall closet and told Dave it looked great and I fell into bed.
Sunday morning we all got up and went to the 8:30 Church service. Even my mom. I think she only went cause an aunt and uncle who were in town over the weekend would be there. She's only been to Church once since she got here in December. I couldn't even get her to the Christmas Eve service. Dane wouldn't stay in the preschool room and had a huge fit and all I want to do is sit somewhere quiet. After Church we go grocery shopping and we made it home and fed everyone lunch all before 12:30. I unplugged the downstairs phone and shut off the cell phones. We took the kids and the dogs outback and played all afternoon. My mom wasn't pleased with this because I still had dishes in the sink and laundry to do. I told her it was a good thing that this was my house.
There you have it. A typical weekend in the house that's always 10 seconds from bedlam. Stay tuned cause later today I'm posting my conversation with my sister. Posted by Picasa

Monday, April 6, 2009

Who's your bunny?

I had plans to go to LL Bean with my mom today but she wasn't feeling well. So instead I supervised the girls while they made a bunny face cake. I think they ate more frosting than they put on the cake.
Chrissy is very particular. Everything has to line up an be even. Then I come in and try to correct and get told to butt out. Which is what she has just told me here.
It truly is amazing how fast a kitchen can get trashed when two little girls are cooking. They had a great time. Eating gum drops and jelly beans. They would try a new flavor and spit it out then try another one. ( I don't let the kids eat stuff like jelly beans and any candy that sticks to your teethe.) (Very often)
Here is their finished result. I think they did a bang up job. I've made this same cake in years past and had it not look as nice. Normally you would use food color and make green grass all around Mr. Bunny and make pink coconut for the inside of his ears, but for the life of me I couldn't find my food coloring kit. As I looked for it the girls kept changing the subject so after awhile I figured they must have taken it outside to play with and I'm now just missing it. sigh.
When we finished cleaning up Dane and I sat on the couch and before I knew it I was sound asleep. I was woke up by my girlfriend. It was 5 pm! She laughed at me but I know she was thinking, "I can't believe she's sleeping, she doesn't even have dinner cooking." After she left I felt so guilty that I quickly made Ramon Noodles for the kids and made Dave take me to dinner. I don't feel guilty now, everyone got fed. Hee hee
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Sunday, April 5, 2009

Anxious for summer

Wow, I can't believe that it's already Sunday night!

These past few days have just flown by and we have spent as much time as possible out back. The kids favorite part of spring is when our back yard looks like this. Four acres of water and moosh. Every year at this time they play in the water.

I don't know what he's trying to get but he sure was fascinated. I have to tell you that the water is so cold. I don't know how he kept sticking his hands in there.
By the time we went inside he was wet from top to bottom and his lips were blue. He didn't want to go inside but once we got in he demanded cocoa.
Could my writing be any lamer? I feel like I just wrote a Dick and Jane book.
Or maybe a See my son Dane book. Yeah, maybe that's what I should do. Write children's stories. Ha ha ha hee hee hee. I can read them now. On the top 10 children's reading list,
1. Dane goes to the farm. ( and learns to say the F word.)
Okay, I got nothin!!!! So I'll end it here and go finish my Nora Roberts book and have a nice glass of wine.
Oh, I want to thank everyone for all the support they have sent my way! It really has helped me get through this strange time in my families life. But what would my life be if it wasn't strange?
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Wednesday, April 1, 2009


This is what we are living with at our house. More mud than you can imagine. If you have not lived through mud season in Maine, than you just haven't lived. There is no getting around it, you just have to live with it. Washing animal feet, baby feet, girls feet and the floors. Always the floors. I wish I had a maid.

I really thought that I would post earlier than this but I have been so busy. When I get home from work I feel guilty if Dave is up waiting for me and all I want to do is hop on the computer. Also my moms been around a bunch and I don't want her to read what I write because I really don't want to hurt her feelings. She spends a lot of time telling me how sorry she is that all of this has happened. We all are but it doesn't change here and now. All we can do is move forward.

My mom had her first chemo a week ago this past Friday. She was fine Friday and Saturday during the day but by Saturday night the pain from the chemo had set in her legs and she was in great pain. (This only happens to a small percentage of people and my mom always seems to be part of it.) By Sunday she could only get to the bathroom and back. We had to double her morphine and she had to take more narcotics for break through pain. Monday was even worse and on top of that her arm just kept getting bigger. (From the lymphodema) This meant that we had to bring her everything she needed. Up and down the stairs we all trucked. We didn't dare to all leave the house and leave her alone in case something happened. So Dave and I took turns. It was very stressful. I'm not sure if you guys know this but I'm VERY sarcastic. It's how I deal. By Monday night I was so tired and when I got home from work it was 11 pm. Dave said my mom wanted me and I told him I should have pushed her down the stairs while I had a chance. Then I promptly started to cry, because let's face it. Who says that shit? Me, I do. All the time. Poor Dave, he started to laugh as he said, 'Melissa!" He knew that I didn't mean it like I want to push her down the stairs and kill her. It would just be quicker and less painful than suffering. Which she is doing.

Tuesday morning rolled around and when I brought my mom up some breakfast she complained about her arm and said she thought she felt better. I was relieved but I didn't look at her arm. I was excited. It was nice out and I was on a roll getting the kids started on school work and Dane coloring. When I went back downstairs Idid the dishes and had started folding laundry when my mom beeped me with the phone and told me she was going to the physical therapist to have her arm worked on because it hurt her. I said, "When?" and she said, "Now, I have to be there in an hour." She than said, "I will drive myself and hung up on me." Let me tell you I was livid!! She hasn't been downstairs since Saturday she could still barely walk. She thought she could drive herself. Also her skin was so gray. (A few weeks ago she didn't tell me she had an appointment and left the house without telling me and I had to figure out on a moments notice and get to where she was to drive her back because she should NOT be driving. Paula had to drive me to the hospital and drop me off and bring the kids home and stay with them.) I knew I'd have to call Paula and because our new Fairpoint Communications (who suck donkey dick) had accidentally disconnected her phone in January and everyday since then given her the run around, we have to either go to her house or take a cell phone to her. I had to shower and plan lunch for the kids. How bad can her frigging arm be? You guys have no idea how pissed I was. I just wanted to be home. I sent the kids running for Paula and cried as I finished folding laundry. When my mom came downstairs she looked bad. I really thought she was going to die soon, like that day. She was sooo gray. I thought she doesn't have 5 years, she doesn't have a month. She asked me to help her put her shirt on and that's when I almost pooped my pants. Her arm was the size of 4 very large men's. It was red and raw. She couldn't bend it and her hand was so swollen that her fingers looked like sausages right before they burst. I schooled my face to not show shock but I was shocked right to the tips of my toes.
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