Wednesday, April 15, 2009


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This has been my week so far. Just like these pictures. Two different cameras and not one decent picture. My head feels like its about to explode.
Easter according to my mom was a grand day. Grand if you like (me) exploding into a F bomb rage and throwing a bottle of hand soap at the bathroom wall while getting the girls ready to sing at the Easter services. Grand if you don't get to the food in time and your mother adds a stick of butter to everything you've made. Grand if every time you turned around you got to hear about how sick Grammy is (according to Grammy) but she's not going to die. Then she goes on to tell you about all the bad things that have happened to her and everyone else she knows.
Mom, did you know Jesus died on the cross for our sins and only he truly knows when we are going to die? Mom did you know that you might have all of your chemo treatments and after the last one get hit by a car in the parking lot on the way to your car?

Funny story (TRUE)

On Sunday my mom came to the first service to see the girls sing. Now she has been VERY ill and she leaves right after they sing. She almost falls because she is so weak. Our neighbor brought her so she wouldn't drive. She looks like hell.
Yesterday, (Tuesday) I'm outside raking. My neighbor ( different one who goes to the same church) is outside also. He saw how my mom struggled Sunday and how hard she tried to let EVERYONE know how hard she had it.
Well yesterday as I was raking, I made my mom come out to get fresh air. All I wanted her to do is sit on a chair. When I wasn't looking she picked up a fucking rake and started to rake! I'm watching my neighbor because he's looking at my house and when I turn to look at what he's looking at, there's my mom...... RAKING!!!! I can't win.
My kids all have the nasty respiratory infection that my mom has had. I don't know how much more puke patrol I can do. To top it off last night Dave had his own puke patrol to tend to cause now he has it.
When my mom moved in it was supposed to be for the winter. I didn't count on being a full time care giver. Yes she can do things but she has to be constantly watched. She doesn't do what the Dr. tells her. She is supposed to be drinking a lot of water to prepare herself for chemo so she doesn't get dehydrated again and guess what!? She doesn't like water! She drinks 1+ 2 liter bottles of soda a day. If she drinks water she has to put juice in it. I swear it's like having a 4 year old.
I'm really FUCKING hating my sister right now. The FUCKING BITCH. I have no one to talk to(every time I try people say I will be rewarded in the end) The end of what? My marriage? My husband taking my kids and leaving cause mommies a nut case?
My mom might have 5 years left. But of what? Being constantly sick and having to rely on her daughter for everything. My mom can drive 30 miles to the next big city but she's too tired to drive home. She can barely drive 8 miles to go to Walmart and make it home. She can't even care for her dog. That's NOT A LIFE!!!!!!

and there's not a fucking thing I can do to help her. So I'm just gonna hate everyone today......


Mama Goose said...

Sending big hugs your way. Hang in there. (I'm sorry. I know that doesn't help.)

Anonymous said...

ohhhhhhhhh, crap...

FishermansDaughter said...

Holy fuckers of fed up to the teeth fucktown - you have every right to be hateratin. Why can't certain people get it through their thick skulls the world would be an infinitely better place if they would just DO AS THEY'RE TOLD. Vent away - that's what a blog is for - hope it helps.

philly said...

If my Dad has 5 years left I will kill myself,,,,seriously. My gallon of wine is almost gone. I'm tired of crying, so I drink.

KimberlyDi said...

Keep venting if it keeps you sane.

I cringe to think of what that anger is doing to you. It will probably be impossible to do but these are your last moments with your mother, so let go of that anger.

As for her raking, maybe she wanted to help. Maybe raking a few leaves was a victory for her. Maybe it made her feel normal for a few moments.

It is going to get worse before it gets better. Huge hugs to you. You are a loyal daughter.

Are there any social services that can help you any? It's such a huge burder for you alone.

KimberlyDi said...

burder = burden... duh

Stacy D. Briefing said...

OMG! If that which does not kill us makes us're one damn tough dame!!! :) I get the whole "mom thing". Next time just let her finish raking....then take her out a nice tall glass of water :)just joking, but maybe you cracked a wee bit of a smile for just a second there?

Sorry everyone is residents of Puketown. Try giving them just a "sip" of peach juice from a can of sliced peaches. (Old wives tale) it suppossedly calms the upchucks. We've tried this before with good results. Hope it works for you too. Might also get yourself a bottle of peach schnapps...everytime they throw up, YOU take a little swig. It won't stop the chaos around you; but it might make it a little easier to contend with! ;)

Hope things calm down soon!

Midlife, menopause, mistakes and random stuff... said...

I love your blog and have been trying to follow it for a few days but for some reason it won't let me.
Hang in there honey........this is your forum to speak you mind and I'm all for it. Get it out :) My Mom died when I was 14 and I've missed her so much.
Our four kiddo's are all grown now and I long for them all every single day. I don't know where the time goes.
Take good care hon and......

Steady On
Reggie Girl