Tuesday, May 19, 2009

We just came in from outside. We've been out the last few hours planting in the garden and picking rocks. We are tired and bit all to crap from the black flies.
I'm tired and I just finished bathing Dane to wash his bug bites and get some dirt off of him and my mom, the women who's too fucking sick to take her dog out to use the bathroom comes down stairs and won't look at me. She's mad cause I told her I would mow the lawn this evening when I was done with the garden and she figured it should be done when she said so. Anyway she just went outside and is mowing the lawn. I am so darn angry right now I am crying.
I tried to explain to her that since she's not stable on her feet or anywhere else that she can't be out doing stuff like this. Saturday afternoon she drove herself to town and went shopping. She was so done in when she got back home that she fell asleep on the side of her bed and fell off! She hurt her chest (She had a port put in on Thursday) Her knees and one of her feet are numb. (She is also diabetic) Now she's mowing the lawn!
What do I do or say to her? I tried to explain to her that if she sprained or broke something than she'd really be up a creek because she'd be bed ridden. I also told her it wouldn't be fair to me either. She told me to mind my own business.
I can't get the doctor or the nurse alone to talk to them and I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions?
I feel like such a whiner...


Auds at Barking Mad said...

I think I might phone her doc/nurse and have a heart to heart with them and get them on your side. That's about the only thing I can think of. Or, maybe you can write her a note in a pretty little card letting her know that you love her but can't always get to things when she thinks they ought to be done, as you have other things to take care of.

I don't know. I just re-read my suggestions and it seems kinda lame, but it might work. I definitely DO think her medical team needs to be brought into this, especially if she has a port and took a nasty fall and is now having other issues. Someone needs to make her see that she's hampering her own recovery.

I can't imagine what you're going through on a day to day basis. After I read your entries about your mum I think about my own...who at 63 is still managing a law firm and litigating cases and how I don't know what I'd do if she ever became seriously ill, especially being that she's on the west coast. I honestly don't know that I would have the patience or emotional or even physical fortitude to deal with all of the stuff you deal with on a daily basis. I have immense respect for you Melissa...I don't think I could do what you do.

Hey, if you ever need to talk, gimme a call...or lets get a cup of coffee! I'm always around!

FishermansDaughter said...

Wish I had suggestions on how to alleviate the situation. Instead I can only commiserate and sympathsize. Our mothers are so much alike in some ways (demanding adherence to THEIR timelines) and polar opposites in others (it takes an act of God to get mine out of bed - she's no where near as physically sick as your mom but has battled depression my whole life). I'm so so sorry you're going through this. I know it must be damned near impossible to consider, but maybe she's not so much acting out as a criticism or to spite you - maybe it's her way of flipping the bird to her dwindling independence/mobility - a damn the consequences I'll do it myself type deal - she probably feels she's given up a lot (not that you haven't!)and can't stand to give up anymore. It sounds incredibly frustrating that she's made some choices with dangerous outcomes concerning where the best use of her energy lies - and wholly unfair you're the one who has to clean up after her.
Hang in there girl.

Anonymous said...

Now you know where we get it from !

Philly said...

It is so hard but necessary to take things, tasks, jobs away from them. It is a step by step process. I remember my dad having his car taken away, then the fiasco of getting him to wear depends. There are still many things that he tries to do but can't, even getting himself a drink of water is exhausting for him. I don't know about your Mom but my Dad is stubborn. He will not change, it is in his nature to be that way and he has told me he will fight me to the end. Just getting him into bed is a horrible job, because as soon as I leave, he is up and moving around. Even with help 12 hours a day, he manages to fall as soon as the aide leaves and I am watching him. His doctor is an ass and thinks he is the best parkinson's patient he has ever seen. Well, ass, you don't live with him. I have been trying to get a hospital bed for a long time and apparently my father does not meet the doc's critiera. The sad part is that he will eventually fall on my watch and it will be the beginning of the end. It is only a matter of time

KimberlyDi said...

Accept that she will be difficult. I'm pretty sure she is defiant against the disease which includes being defiant against you, and life, and everything.

You are a wonderful daughter for bringing her into your home. Moms can push our buttons like no one else.

Though I miss my mother, your painful experience now makes me grateful that my mother passed away suddenly. I didn't have to watch her waste away or slowly lose her independence.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

She said, "Mind your own business."???!!! YOU who have taken her in to live with you, taken her to all her appts, made her meals, etc. Oh girlie, I would be angry too! If she wants to do yard work so dang bad-wake her up tomorrow at 5 am and tell her, "Time to get up. Since you enjoy yard work so much- Your starting your new job with a yard mowing service today!"

Mind your own business indeed! How rude!

Thinking of you,
Ima Jo King

Stacy D. Briefing said...

Sorry you are having such a trying day! Parents can do that to you. As for me, I never much minded the little things...:) LOL! Just find a moment to go outside and vent. Say everything you are thinking and purge those feelings. It'll make you feel better. If someone wonders upon you and asks what you are doing, simply reply..."Mind your own business." :) I hope tomorrow is a better day for you!

Frank said...

As people get older, the more then cling to their independence. They really don't like being told what they can and cannot do, even if their actions may be detrimental to their health. I don't know what you should do, although I'd refer to the advice above. Seems pretty good to me.

Mama Goose said...

I'm so sorry this is so hard.