Friday, September 18, 2009

Middle of the night

Well the time has come. I didn't know this time would actually come but here it is. No more denial. I've had to move in with my mom.

After a few times of her trying to use the stove and a time of telling Hospice workers she was going to the store I didn't have a choice. We are lucky she didn't burn this place down! Her progression rapidly worsened two weeks ago. It was sudden and overnight. I'm so thankful my sister was here or I don't think she'd have believed me.

So now I'm sleeping on my moms couch and have been pretty much all week. In the morning Dave will bring the kids to me and I'll keep them until he is out of work. I have most of their school stuff here and we'll just do our work here. I keep telling myself that we can all do this without missing a beat.

I went to bed at eleven which was two and a half hours ago only to be woken by my mom. She had wet her bed and was wondering around trying to find a light switch. I don't think she even knew who I was at first. She was in so much pain. I cleaned her up and changed her bed but she couldn't lay in her bed straight. Just sideways. She is a very large woman so I just left her. I also managed to get some morphine down her throat. I pray her pain stops. She keeps grabbing her side and crying.

The doctor seems to think that the non cancer mass in the front of her brain has caused swelling. She is confused and asks like she has dementia or at the least had a brain injury. Also not helping is she went years with untreated mental problems. So they have started her in on a drug to reduce the swelling. We started it this evening. It is some sort of steroid. If it is going to work it will in the next few days and supposedly it will make her not confused. (Understand that?)
The social worker told me that it would get easier when mom became bed ridden. When she told me this two weeks ago I was floored and even a bit angry. I thought to myself Bed ridden? Not my mom. Now I understand. It's not pretty here folks. Death is ugly and makes people ugly and act ugly. And not necessarily the person that's dying. But the people who surround them. I have never been so sad in my life but on the other hand I see joy all around me.

The doctor was here on Tuesday and told us mom has a couple of months. When I told a worker (I won't say which one) the responded with , "Oh when I hear that I always half it." They also said that since my mom is so large she may linger. So ever since then losing weight has been a top priority of mine. Of course its only been two days since I heard that but I haven't had any junk in two days. So there.

Right now the downtown is quiet. Not many cars coming or going. Every couple of minutes I stop typing to look out the window. When she first moves in we said we couldn't wait to watch the snow fall from here. I don't think she'll ever see it.
Soon, I don't know when, they will order a hospital bed for my mom and we'll set it up here in the living room. I don't know how much longer we can keep mom here or if we'll have to move her back to my house. I guess it depends on how much Dave and I can take of all of this running back and forth. I'll write more later.

I just want to say thanks to everyone who emails me and leaves comments. It really helps.


Anonymous said...

I want to say LOTS of really bad words - instead -((HUG))

FishermansDaughter said...

ps that's me up there

I wish there were something I could say or do that would make it all easier.

KimberlyDi said...

I've known a few people who watched their mothers pass away slowly from illness. There's a tremendous amount of guilt from wanting them to hurry up and die so they won't be in pain anymore.

Be kind to yourself. You've got a tough road ahead of you.


Stacy D. Briefing said...

Girlie, I'm sorry your load keeps getting heavier! You are strong Kimosabee! Wish I could do more to assist you.

I know you must be torn between being with your Mom and missing being with your kiddos and Dave every night too. Does the local hospital have a Hospice floor or certain beds reserved for Hospice patients? My SIL (the nurse) arranged this for my MIL when she could no longer care for herself. It helped tremendously. I'll just keep throwing ideas out there-with the intent to help, not insult-maybe one of these will work for your situation. Maybe not.

I know that right now, time is both a blessing and a curse.

Many hugs and heartfelt thoughts,

Mama Goose said...

You really do amaze me with your strength.... praying for all of you.

Audrey at Barking Mad! said...

I don't know how you keep going and stay so strong.

Kimberly is right, be kind to yourself and if there's anything I can do to help, don't hesitate to let me know. I'm only a short drive, or a phone call away, and I would be MORE THAN HAPPY to do whatever it is. Even if it's to bring you a bottle of wine.