Saturday, November 7, 2009

I Miss My Mom (Even though she drove me crazy)

This has been a real bitch of a week. I've spent more time blubbering than anything. My birthday was Thursday and I started crying Wednesday night. I haven't been able to stop. It's really stressing everyone out. The kids are really stressed out. Poor Dane thinks that crying all the time is normal. I hate to cry. It's a sign of weekness. It really is. I mean everyone is entitled to a good cry but crying daily. AGH!
Yesterday, after I spent most of the day doing nothing but being a cry baby Dave asked me if I could fake it, just for the kids. (Being my old self) I started to laugh. Fake it, yeah right. I tried to fake a you know what once and got caught. Meg Ryan I'm not. If I can't fake that, I sure can't fake being happy.
I don't know why I have been so depressed about this. I'm always bullet proof. Hard core. So this is really throwing me for a curve. I've been avoiding my friends and family. I think I even lost a friend. I'm not sure how but we used to see each other at least three times a week and talk everyday on the phone. We have not spoken since I moved in with my mom. She sent an email telling me she couldn't go to the Memorial Service. I just don't understand.
Also the scattering of my moms ashes was horrible. It rained like a son of a gun and so we didn't climb the mountain. We only scattered a few hand fulls and next spring we will do the rest. Have I already told you guys this? I tell you I don't know if I'm coming or going.
The good news is, that it's getting colder, that's not the good news, the good news is we have eighteen cords of wood to keep are backsides warm! We have been out cutting, splitting and stacking. We still have a long way to go unless we get right on it. Which we will. If I can ever stop crying.

7 comments:

FishermansDaughter said...

You just lost your mother. You're grieving. It's TOTALLY normal. I'm sorry your friend bailed on the memorial service. Damn, wish I lived closer. I'd bring a cake for Dane, some sparklies for the girls and a case of Mike's for us. ((HUG))

my word is bronsoo

FishermansDaughter said...

I forgot - Happy Birthday - sorry it was so shitty this year.

KimberlyDi said...

My adult self handled the death of my mother rather well. The little girl that I used to be didn't.

I would say to give yourself some time to grieve but then, "fake it til you make it". There is some truth to it.

My word is "ditypti".

Frank said...

I don't think crying is a sign of weakness. Granted, I don't like crying in public, but I always feel better after I do. It's okay to feel the way that you do. Time will lessen the pain.

Mama Goose said...

It sounds so cliche, but it will get better. I just can't say when; I still cry for my mother more than 4 years later... I'm sorry, it sucks and I wish there was something I could say or do to make it easier. Thinking of you.

carsick said...

Thank you FD. Someday we will get together. Me and Mama Goose want to meet you.

Frank- You are wonderful and the grief person I spoke to today agreed with you. Well I didn't talk about you they just said it's okay to cry.

I love you Nell.

Kim, I don't do a good fake but I'll try.

Stacy D. Briefing said...

Happy Belated Birthday!!!

I'm sorry to hear about the tears and the "funk" your in. I could try to sugarcoat it but- Grief sucks. It just honestly does. You have alot of emotions to sort thru. So have patience with yourself. We are all here for support okay?