Ima Slow

I don't like to think about myself as be slow to get things. But that's what usually happens. My husband will tell me a joke and I won't know it's a joke, then awhile later I'll think about what he said and start to laugh. He'll usually be another room and he'll holler in, " Your NOW just getting it?"



Then there was the time at the school where my kids went. One of the parents (a man) used to hang out with the head mistress of the school. I would see them everywhere. Both people wore rings on their ring fingers. I looked. I knew the head mistress was married to someone other than the man I would see bringing her coffee on a daily bases. Every time I went to town I would see them together. With all the kids. I thought how does her husband stand this? Is it an affair? What are they thinking? Those poor children. By now you know my mind is in overdrive.

So anyway, I'm at a friends house and the kids are playing and I decide I'm going to say something to my friend about it. So far the only one I've said anything to is Dave and I've about sucked his brain dry on the matter.

So I start out with, so and so and so and so sure spend quite a bit of time together. My friends says yeah and the kids all get along great. So I say I don't think my husband would be happy. She looks at me funny and said, well they are very good friends. I don't say anything for a minute because of the way she reacted but then I bit the bullet and blurted, do you think it's an affair. Now she really looks at me funny and she says to me, are you serious? Yeah, I say. Why? They are ALWAYS together. Then I get from her another are you serious? Now I feel like I really opened up my big mouth. Then she says, Melissa, he's GAY.

Really? I say I didn't know that. She thinks I'm kidding. She goes on to say how could you not know, your joking you can't possibly be that naive.

So in my defence, I say to her, well, he wasn't wearing a sign.

I must set myself up for these things.



So a few weeks ago I'm reading one of my favorite blogs. Stacy D. Briefing. I tried to copy and paste her blog here but it didn't work out for me. But she's on my side bar.
Anyway, Ima Jo King stands in for her sometimes. Yes I really do know it's her. I was particularly happy after reading her post a few Saturdays ago and danced around the house singing in a very loud off key opera voice, Imaaaaaaaa JOOOOOO KIIIIIIIINNNNGGGG. Driving everyone nuts. The more they complained the more I sang. I switched tones, voices and settled for a hillbilly voice. After a while my darling Mimi pops up in front of me and asks me why I'm singing I'm joking. What I say? I'm singing Ima Jo King. By that time Dave is shaking his head and saying your NOT serious?
Sadly, I was.

Am I Racist?

I never thought I was racist. Growing up in Northern Maine everyone is white. Yeah we had some kids that were Native American. We called them Indian. Just as we sat Indian Style on the classroom floor. We would sit up straight and proud and try to resemble the pictures of Indians that we had all seen. We were always told that Indians were very proud people and what had happened to them was a terrible thing. The children that were Indian were proud and sat up ram rod straight.


When Chrissy went to kindergarten and the children went to sit on the floor at circle time they had to sit criss cross applesauce. What the hell is that I thought! I asked her teacher, cause I had to know, and she said it was discriminatory to say Indian style. WHAT!?





We didn't have any black kids in school until middle school. That's what we called people who were black then. I referred to them by their names. Then we had two at different times. That's it. Neither was 100%. Not that it mattered to me. That's was what I heard. We all hung out together. Neither child stayed long. I remember some of the kids ragging on them. They took it well but I'm sure it hurt. It always is hard to be different.



I remember the first Afro American person I saw. She was in Zayre and I was six. She was the largest lady I had ever seen. I was fascinated!!!!! She was standing at the front of the store and in a big, booming voice, she was hollering for her son who was running around in the store somewhere. I couldn't help but stare. I thought she looked like Aunt Jemima. Not the one on the bottle now the one on the bottle with the Do Rag on her head. She looked like someone who liked kids and would pick you up and hug you in her arms and make you feel special.. I used to study the bottle in the morning as it sat on the table. I always wondered who she was and did she have kids. My mom grabbed my hand and yanked me along and hissed it's not polite to stare. But stare I did. As I was being pulled away she turned and winked at me and smiled. I smiled and tried to wink back. I led a very sheltered life.



When we lived in Florida it was a huge melting pot of people. Colors everywhere. Different cultures and personalities. It was so exciting. This little girl from Maine was in love.


I wanted to embrace everyone! To be friends with everyone. I already talked to everyone I came in contact with so why couldn't we all be friends? Then when Kadie started school it all became clear. If you were white in color you had an easy life. Except if you were white in color and Jewish. Then you were rich. Oh, I worked in a Dr.s office and the Dr. and his wife were Jewish. She always said the Jews will Prevail. To this day I'm not sure what that means. She was scary so I never did ask her. I would just look down at my schedule book and nod my head yes. I DID NOT work there long. I didn't even give a two week notice.
If you were gay you were trying to be different. You wanted people to look at you and make fun of you. Can you even imagine that? If you were from India and you wore your your native clothes you wanted to be different. If you lived on a street where everyone was white you were racist. And so on and so on. It became tiresome.

In Kadies classroom the children were relentless. Not at first. At first, in kindergarten, all the kids were the same. Everyone played together, went to birthdays together and had fun together. Kadie had one little friend, Kaleia, who was her very best friend. They were stuck at the hip. It all changed in fifth grade. They had not played through the summer as Kadie was here in Maine at camp. The first day of school rolled around and she couldn't wait to see her friend. Kaleia ignored her and played with her other friends. After a week Kadie was alone in the bathroom and her friend walked in and she confronted her. Why won't you talk to me? Kaliea told her she couldn't be her friend any more. You need to be with your own kind. When I heard that I was appalled. I called her mom and when I didn't get an answer I left a message. SEVERAL times. My call was never returned. So I went to the school and the principal informed me that at this age the kids start to pair off in their own groups. IE Spanish with Spanish, White with White and African American with African American and so on. Whew, this is tiring. Can you imagine living it? All these rules. What you can say or not say. Who can you talk to or not. Kadie was 10.
In Jr. High we had even worse problems and when I feared for Kadie we switched schools.

This whole time people are saying I'm racist. Or I must be because I was questioning the source of our aggravation. It was mind boggling. So when we had more children we decided to move. We put names of states that we like into a hat. We had Tenn. Idaho, WI and Maine. We had ties to WI and Maine. We picked out Maine. We sold our house and moved here. No jobs and no home to go to. We just took a Leap of Faith that it would all work out.

Yes Maine is white. Very white. That doesn't mean it doesn't have the same problems as Florida. We have drugs and crime and poverty. Blah blah blah. It just means we can be who we are. People who love other people. I can't speak for others. I also can't save a world that doesn't want to be saved. I have a hard time making my bed in the morning and teaching my kids school. All my family and I can do is help the people who want it and try hard to live morally. I teach my kids to treat everyone kind. If we don't care for someone to still be kind to them. They are people to. Not everyone likes everyone else and that's okay. We can still be kind and use our manners. Yes, at times it's hard to do. We just want to live our lives in the simplest manner possible. If that makes me racist than so be it.

I Got A J-O-B Because I couldn't Stand To Be With Me

As of last Thursday I am employed. No applause please, no, please don't say it's about time I got off my fat ass. Or anything else. Who knows how long it will last.

I couldn't stand myself anymore. I was screaming at the kids. Not a good quality when you home school. I looked for reasons to be angry at Dave. (Though in my defence I didn't have to look too hard.) I was upset with my mom just because she is living with us and now I don't even have a place to go be alone.

So anyway, I'm cleaning an office building. It's very humbling I tell ya. What I will make in a month I use to bring home in three days. And I didn't clean toilets! The hours are sucky to. I leave at 5pm or so and and work three or four hours. I'm very busy the whole time. I don't have time to stop and think. Just go go go. I think it will be good for all of us. Dave and my mom will feed the kids dinner. I start it before I leave for work. Dave gets alone time with the kids without my controlling presence. My mom is forced to leave her bedroom for awhile. For the first time in YEARS I will be able to buy Dave a Birthday gift that he didn't pay for. It's a win win situation. Now if I can get over the fact that It breaks my heart in a thousand pieces that I can't put Dane to bed at night we be all set.
All in all I'm hoping to jump start some weight loss, not shriek at my children and show my man some love. That's not too much to ask. Is it?
Oh yeah, that's a picture of Scooter get cat hair all over the clean clothes again. It's his favorite winter past time.

Dave's Boots

See these big honking boots? I know you do. Aren't they ugly? They are very warm and keep Dave's feet protected. They are also very easy to slide on when a lazy wife has to go to the wood boiler and doesn't want to tie her own boots.

Now see the other boots? Yeah, I'm going somewhere with this. These are the boots Dave brought home when I told him I needed boots. He didn't understand what I wanted though. I wanted pretty boots. He wouldn't go buy my dress shoes, why would he think I would want him to buy my snow boots. Uggs they ain't. Do you also notice the size difference? I take a delicate size 6. Hee, Hee. Who am I kidding, they are 8's. His are a 12.

As you can see, my petite foot is dwarfed by the boot.

Now I will tell you about a very lazy wife, one who had just recently given birth.

Dane was probably two weeks old when Dave brought another load of wood home. He threw it off the back of the trailer onto the floor of the big shed. He was getting ready to stack this pile of wood when his lazy wife told him not to. She wanted the exercise. Lazy wife wanted to stack it. So Dave said are you sure you are going to stack it because I don't want anyone getting hurt tripping over it. Oh yes, lazy wife said, I will, it will give me something to do while the baby sleeps. Two days later the wood still isn't stacked. Dave asks lazy wife when she is going to do it. Lazy wife just smiles and says soon. Pretty soon a week has gone by and the wood still has not been stacked. So Dave now knows he'll have to stack this pile of wood that is blocking the way of the already stacked wood. But, he can't resist ragging on his wife. Every time he calls her he asks if the wood is stacked. When he goes to put wood in the stove he made comments on the pile of wood. Pretty soon lazy wife had an attitude about the pile of wood. Now it was her foe, her enemy, her nemesis. Not only that, but every time she went to the stacked wood she had to crawl over the pile to get to it. Instead of stacking it, like a good wife who said she was going to she blocked it out of her mind.

One afternoon lazy wife had to go to the wood boiler and she didn't want to. It was frigging cold out and she hadn't been the the boiler all day. She knew the fire would probably have died out and she would have to work to get the boiler back up to temperature. So she slipped on her husbands boots. You know, the ones at the top of the page. And she proceeded to trudge outside. The boots were so heavy that her feet had to drag as she walked. She also noticed that they were very warm. She got to the boiler and as luck would have it the boiler still had wood in it and the temperature was where it should be. She was so excited. In and out in five minutes she thought. She went inside the shed and saw the perfect pieces of wood she would need to throw in the boiler. Problem was they were in the pile of wood not the stacked stuff. So she starts to climb up and over the pile and as she starts to lean over to get the wood, her boot, I mean her husbands boot, gets caught in between pieces of wood. Lazy wife can't control what is starting to happen because the boot is so big. As she tries to pull the boot out, her not so svelte body, starts to sway in the opposite direction. As she turns to look at where she is falling and she is falling fast, her face smacks into a bag of concrete mix. All she remembers is the crunch of her face and then blessedly nothing.

After a few minutes she opens her eyes and thinks okay, I'm alive, I can move and then she sees blood and totally flips out. She pulls herself together to fill the boiler with wood (we have to be warm) and stumbles back into the house. As she gets inside the kitchen the phone rings and it's her husband. Lazy wife is trying to act like nothing is wrong and when Dave asks what is wrong, lazy wife really loses it and starts to blubber and pours the whole sordid story out. Of course Dave can't understand a frigging thing she is saying. All he hears is, sob, I blood, sob. fucking wood boiler, etc.

Dave cancels his next appointment and comes home and stacks the wood.

Moral of the story. Don't be a lazy wife. It will smack you in the face every time.

Elmo

My boy likes Elmo. I mean really likes Elmo. So instead of trying to make an Elmo cake on my own, (I tried once it wasn't pretty) I bought these cupcakes at Walmarts. Isn't this the cutest darn thing? He was so happy when he saw it. They also had an Elmo pinata but I don't think he was ready to see people smash his lovey.

His face is still red this morning. Yuck. I can imagine that his insides are all lit up from the food coloring. I almost didn't get the cake because of it. I was won over when the the girls started jumping up and down and chanting, "Get it," Get it!"
Nothing sways me more than happy giggling little girls. I just love them.

Dane is the one of our kids that likes Sesame Street Characters. Though he doesn't watch much TV, I try to show him if it's on. He sits for a minute and hugs his Elmo but is off and racing.

When Chrissy and Mimi were small we had bought a Cookie Monster that laughed. Do you remember those? They were so scared of it they would cry just looking at it. We also had a stuffed Billy The Marlin that Kadie brought home from a baseball game. They cried when they saw that to. Well, our shower pan rotted in our bathroom and ruined the Pergo that we had just put down in the hall going between the bedrooms. This was particularly frustrating as the first time it was layed the workers messed it up and we (Dave) replaced it himself. It hadn't been down a month. Anyway, there was a closet in the hall you had to walk by to get to the girls room and in order to lay the flooring you had to take the door off. This closet had all my cleaning supplies in it. Every time the girls would go by they were pulled into stopping and looking. So, OMG I can't believe I'm going to admit this, I put Billy The Marlin on the bottom shelf and Cookie Monster about half way up. They no longer wanted to stop and look at the open closet, now they ran by with their little eyes closed. When they got up in the morning they would slide by with their backs pushed tight on the opposite wall. I'm sorry, I only did it for a couple of days! It was so funny though. I know we will end up on a TV show someday. It will be called Bad Parenting.

My Valentine

I didn't want my baby born on Valentine's Day. I really didn't. Maybe if I was having a girl but not a boy. So when I went into labor right before midnight on the 13th, I wildly thought for a nano second, I wondered if I can hold this off for twentyfour hours? Ha ha hee hee

Dane Alexander came into the world at 8:02am. Weighing in at 9lbs. 10.02oz. He had the worst case of baby acne I'd ever seen and his skin was peeling off. My step sister Jamie, who is a l&D nurse and was with us said he cooked too long. I tell ya, he was so big I thought I'd have to go by more clothes to fit him. He never did lose any of his hair and with the exception of waking up every hour and a half to be fed he was my easiest baby.

What a difference two years makes. He cleaned up real nice. Do you see the tinsel hanging in the background? It's left from Christmas. We are in the schoolroom and the girls get to help decide what goes in or leaves and this case stays.
These days Dane doesn't need to eat every hour and a half but he would if I let him. His favorite toy is Elmo and he loves to play with balls. Last week I finally let him have his 18 month shots and he took them like a champion. He cried for a minute and I asked him if he wanted to go to Hillmans (The local Bakery) for a cookie. Yeah, cookie, he said. The tears were no more.
He weighed in at 26 and 1/2 lbs. and is 3 ft. tall. I won't even tell you how big his head is, let us just say his aunt bought him a hat from the Gap for Christmas and she bought size 4 to 7 and it was too small.

I wish everyone a Valentine as wonderful as mine.

Part 2

As I went to answer the door I thought, "What now?" All I wanted to do is clean the house. I'm not a particularly tidy person but the house we had just moved from was quite small in comparison to our new home and there always seemed to be something to clean.


Ben's father Rob was at the door. As I opened it I remember briefly thinking that I was still in my jamas.




I invite him in and as I looked at him, he didn't seem to be himself. Rob always has a big smile on his face and was always out and about with his kids. He is very, very tall but not at all intimidating and all the kids in the neighborhood like him. That day he was very serious. In my mind I thought what now?


We sat at the table and right away he said he was very sorry about what had happened. He said it had never ever even come close to happening before. I said don't even worry about it, no big deal.


At this time I notice that he is very pasty looking and his hands have a slight tremor to them. At first I'm wondering why? Just because Chrissy got wet? Then my mind started to wonder and I'm thinking blah, blah and not really paying attention to him. Then I hear him say," I called Kathy and she was so upset she came right home." I said, "It's okay Rob." " She got a little wet." Then my mind started thinking about New Years Eve and I tuned him out. ( Gee, I look back at this and think I must have adult ADD.) Then I heard him say I only had to swim 7 or 8 strokes to get her. That got my attention. What the fuck happened I thought? I really did think that bad word. I won't use it in the hard copy. Then Rob said his chest was still pounding.


At that point I asked him what exactly happened. Not in those words but something like that.




Apparently, the kids were all sliding. There was quite a group of kids. Ben has 4 younger brothers and sisters. Plus Jordan, Kadie and Chrissy. Everyone had gone down a few times and when it was Chrissy's turn again Kadie was the only one at the bottom of the hill. The boys yelled down to her that when Chrissy got to the bottom, Kadie needed to grab her so she wouldn't hit the bank hard. Chrissy came down and when Kadie went to grab her she grabbed Chrissy's shoulder and instead of slowing her down, Chrissy leaned all the way back and shot like a bullet up and over the bank of snow.

Right out into the river. The cold, rushing river. She landed still on the sled and started to get carried down the river and the sled tipped and she went tumbling into the rushing water.


Kadie started to go in but the water was very cold and she didn't know how deep it was and she got scared. Rob's girls started to scream and panic followed.


Rob was in the house and came to the door and from his porch he could see Chrissy floating down river. Later he said that her jacket was all puffed up and it looked like angles were holding her up. (When really what it was is Chrissy was wearing a down filled jacket that was three sizes too big for her. When it started to get wet the air went to the top and actually was a flotation device. It probably helped save her life.) Anyway, Rob jumped off the porch and hauled off down the hill and jumped into the water. He tried to walk to get Chrissy but the current was too strong and he had to swim. He grabbed hold of her as they were getting close to the ice. (I don't have to tell you what that would mean if she had got to the ice on her own, I try NOT to think of it.) Rob hollered for the boys and they came out on the ice and Jordan tried to lift her but she was water soaked so Ben And Michael had to help. At the same time Rob's twin girls saw her new boots floating and they fished them out of the water. The sled had already disappeared. Rob got himself out of the water and told the boys to get Chrissy home right away. It took all of them to carry her. Chrissy cried that she had lost her boots and at that time the boys didn't know the girls had found them. (We live right across the street so it wasn't that far that was why they didn't take her in Rob's house.)



That afternoon when Dave called to check in I had to tell him what had happened. He was very upset with me as I was with myself. He said I should have been there and I cried, I know , I know! To this day I blame myself for her going in the river. All because I wanted to clean the damn house. It might not have prevented her from going in the water but I would have been right there to go in the water when she was only a few feet out not fifteen like when Rob had to get her.



New Years Day Dave and I went to Rob's and stood on the top of the bank. As we looked down we could see where Rob ran down the hill. There were only six foot prints and they were spaced so far apart it seemed that he flew. We stood there holding hands and looked at the river rushing by. It was ice on both sides and opened about six feet in the center. I think that was when it really hit me that Rob, wonderful, wonderful Rob, had truly saved our daughters life. To this day every time I see him I want to hug him and say thank you. There is no amount of gifts, money or gratitude that I could give him for saving my child. All I can do is say thank you and remember that Chrissy's life was spared and God must have big plans for her.


After that day no one went sliding down the hill that year. The next winter not only did they bank it really high with snow they also put up fencing.

Chrissy didn't go sliding the rest of the year or even the next. By the following year what had happened was a distant memory. All she remembers is that her boots came off her feet. Now she is a champion sledder but we don't slide by water anymore.

Part 1

A few years ago, six, an almost tragic event happened on our block. I was asked to write my version of it five years ago and every year since. Now, I think, I'm ready to write it. But first let me say that I'm not sure how to write this and when I told Dave I was going to write this he made a grunt noise and said do you really want to revisit that? Also, I tend to blow things off like they were nothing when actually they are very serious. Kinda like laughing at a funeral or crying and hysterically laughing at your fathers wedding to the woman who broke up your parents marriage. So here goes, please feel free to put your input in on how to make it acceptable for history. Also, I will use the swear words that pop in and out of my mouth here but will change them before turning a real copy in. And maybe you guys will think it sucks the big one and I should just keep blowing everyone off for another six years. Please tell me that to. Here goes...

We had been in our new home about six weeks. It was New Year's Eve Day, 2002. I had got up early with Dave while he was getting ready for work. As he left the house I told him the usual I love you and he said the usual I love you to. The girls all got up shortly after that and our day started to progress.
About 9:30 our oldest daughter Kadie said she was going to go sledding at Ben's house. I had just lay Mimi, our youngest, down for a nap. She and Chrissy just had birthdays and turned 2 and 4. I asked Kadie to bring Chrissy with her. More like begged. I had some more cleaning to do and I wanted everything nice for when Dave got home. Kadie finally said okay and I started getting the girls ready. It is not a big production normally but we had just moved from Florida. Kadie had only seen snow one other time and this was Chrissy's first experience with it. So as I bundled them up I regaled them with sledding tales from when I was young. Kadie didn't give a rat's ass, she just wanted to go and Chrissy was to young to care. I reminded Chrissy to listen to Kadie and I reminded Kadie to be a good big sister. It was about 10:15am.

I had met the neighbors, where the kids were going, a few times and they were very nice people so I wasn't worried that my kids were going to slide down a hill that led to the river. Actually that thought didn't even cross my mind. All I was thinking about was getting the kids the hell out of the house for a few hours.

About 11:30am I was vacuuming and Mimi had just woke up and was sitting on the couch. I was in the hall when Kadie came in with Chrissy. Chrissy was all wet and it seemed like all the kids were carrying her. With her was Ben, Michael, who is Ben's younger brother, and Jordan our other neighbor. They all had funny looks on their faces and Kadie blurts out Chrissy went in the water. What? I say. Oh, okay, no big deal. Let us get her out of these wet clothes and into the tub. I say, Kadie go start the water. As I'm stripping Chrissy the boys are staring at me and I'm you know, La LA LA my kids all wet. Duh. I wonder aloud, where are her new boots? We couldn't find them once they got off her feet one of the boys answer softly. I didn't have time to process that because Kadie comes from the bathroom and is really crying. The water burned me she cried. What? I say and grab Chrissy and head for the bathroom. I stick my hand in the water and it's so cold that I yank my hand out fast. It's cold, I say and really take a look at Kadie. I notice her pants are wet and ask why. She said she tried to get Chrissy and couldn't. I'm still not getting it. I tell Kadie to get out of her wet clothes and go play. By this time she's looking at me like I've two heads and said," Are you sure? "

Chrissy, until now, hasn't said a word. Her little face was blue and she was shivering. I mean really shivering. I decide to forgo the bath and bundle her up. I put her in my bed and give her hot cocoa to drink. I called my sister and told her I thought Chrissy had been playing by the water and slipped in. My sister immediately tells me to take her to the E.R. I just blow it off.

About noon a knock sounds at the door. Still all the kids are at the house, I'm in PJ's and I think Damn It, I'll never get this place picked up.

Okay, this is all I have for right this minute. I keep wanting to write what I now know and not what I did knowthen. I need to think some more on this one. PLEASE PLEASE feel free to comment.

AGHHHHHHHH

My new Internet company is giving me fits! I should be back in business soon. I haven't been able to post because of new security measures that I didn't put in place. I think I have it straightened out and I would stick around to do a great post but the sun is shining and I can't miss out on it.
However, check out those I'm following and you'll get your mind stimulated and laugh til you piss your unnies........