Monday, January 25, 2010

I just don't know

For me to say that I've been doing well since my mother died would be a big fat lie. It has messed with every single aspect of my life. No longer can I laugh things off or smoothe over hurt feeling between the kids, I just don't seem to care. Don't get me wrong I want to. I really do. Every day I either step forward or back. If it doesn't go my way I look for someone to blame. Mostly Dave and sometimes the kids.

Ever since my mom walked through our door a year ago last Decemember our homeschool life went to hell in a handbasket. I can't get it back. Everyday it's a new fight to learn. When I finally get one on track the other one starts in. To the point where we are all screaming and hating. This past weekend I spent most of the weekend working on lesson plans. I was so excited. We had some fun stuff planned. We get up this morning and my oldest child at home decided that it didn't matter that she said we'd start today fresh today. No fighting. We all agreed and signed a paper last night. By 8:30 this morning I wanted to hang myself. (a figure of speech)

So I did what I swore I would never do. I marched their little asses over to the local school and started the enrollment process. Some how they think it will be easier there. So now they get to find out. I can be nothing if not accomodating. One of my biggest reasons for teaching at home was I didn't want the girls around such chaos. It's hard enought to learn but to have to under constant turmoil is crazy. But then I looked in the mirror. I didn't really like what I saw. Here at home the one safe place my kids have is under constant turmoil. Caused by me.

So if I can find their birth certifacates (which I can't) they will start by the end of the week. Maybe sooner. I have over nighted for new ones. I'm sure the ones I have here at home will turn up right after I get the new ones.

I probably won't blog too much this week as I am feeling very sorry for myself. Hopefully our family will jump right back on track. Change is good. Though I'd rather have it in my pocket.


KimberlyDi said...

I think you know what is best for your kids. Taking care of your dying mother took alot out of you. Maybe you need some time to heal.

You may see it as giving up. I think this is something positive. You had to stop a vicious cycle. But if the kids are in school, then you will have to deal with the void in your life. You don't want to spend each say sunk in depression.

I'm dealing with a void of my own. It's not easy, I know. Sometimes I would rather choose the misery than this void that I'm supposed to fill with positive things.

Good Luck! {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

KimberlyDi said...

say = day

FishermansDaughter said...

I think you're doing (I typed DONGING first tee hee) a great job. Part of being a parent is knowing enough to embrace change when what you're doing isn't working. Nothing says going to conventional school has to be forever! Maybe like KD says, you all just need a break from each other. Take some time for yourself - but with limits - so the void doesn't suck you in. I'll be thinking of you.


Rachel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Frank said...

Public school isn't too bad. I don't know how I would have reacted to my parents teaching me, but I went through the public school system from the ground up (including going to a high school that the state regularly gave a failing grade), and I think I turned out fairly well-rounded and at least somewhat educated.

You kids are bright. I think they'll handle the change well.

Also, that last deleted comment was from me, but it was posted as my sister. I didn't know she'd used my computer and logged into her account.

carsick said...

Kim- Thanks I think you are right.
FD- The school was very nice when I went in to talk to them. We go today to test to see what grade the girls will go into. I;m a basketcase! I also like dongs!
I can change my mind if I need to.
Frank- Thanks for saying that. Our little school is only passing now because the teachers are teaching what is on the test. I'm hoping the kids will do fine and blossom:) Thanks:)

Stacy D. Briefing said...

Think of your kiddos going to public school as an "extended field trip on the education process." After their first day, I'd make them all sit down and write a 5 page report about it. LOL! Just joking. :)

Maybe a little while in the ol public school system will give them a better appreciation for homeschooling. Or maybe it will give you a much needed break for a while. Like you said, you can always HS again later. Right now, enjoy some fun alone time with Dane, do something nice for yourself, or write your feelings all down, into a next best selling book. :)...Ima plans on writting a book about her mother one day, loosely titled, "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead and other lullabies from a dysfunctional childhood." Sorry, totally inappropriate, but maybe it made you crack a smile for a moment. ;)

Feel better soon!!!

Mama Goose said...

They will blossom because they've had such a good foundation.

Now you have no excuses: Take care of YOU for a change. ; )