Tuesday, January 19, 2010

When The Time Comes


It's hard being a single mom. I didn't like it at all. I was very happy to meet Dave and marry him. Even though I had already met a Mr. Right, he was wrong. Very wrong. Kadie grew up as an only child until she was eleven. Then baby Tina was born. We called her Tina until she came to us one day and said call me Chrissy. Anyway, this is about Kadie.
I didn't have a good relationship with her, well, we'll just call him sperm donor. Or S.D. S.D. and I fought constantly. Violently. When your a teenager you think you can change the world. I thought I could change S.D. I had to learn the hard way that you can't change a person. Either you except them or you get the hell away from them.
The first two years of Kadies life were full of restraining orders and court dates. For some reason even though S.D. didn't show up to court on restraining order charges (in which the judge granted) the judge still would give S.D. partial custody. Oddly enough the judge never ordered him to pay child support either. Even though S.D. never even saw her unless his family was bugging him to. Finally after a brutal fight between us with witnesses all around, he struck me in public. I knew he was very intoxicated and wouldn't be able to control himself and I figured it would be worth the beating I might get. It was. I received a full restraining order on him that included Kadie too. Three days before it expired I moved to Florida with my parents. I didn't even tell my best friend I was moving. People knew my parents were moving but unless you were family no one knew I was.

I never received a penny from S.D. Kadie never asked about him. She called my dad, dad most of the time.
We lived in Florida for a year before I met my husband and we married soon after. Kadie called him daddy right away.
Through this whole time I never heard a word from S.D. It's not like he couldn't find me. If he had tried. My whole family is from the town I left. He could have asked anyone. But he didn't. When Kadie was six I called him to ask if he would sign papers for Kadie to be adopted. He didn't give me an answer. He just wanted me to tell him about this daddy person. (Dave) We never pursued the adoption. We were scared that he would put up a fuss. After discussing everything with Dave we never pursued child support either. Florida is a Right To Be A Parent State and we were afraid that if he was paying any money at all the state would make me put her on a plane to go see him. We couldn't risk that. He was always in an unstable situation.
Years went by without ever even thinking of S.D. but when Kadie became a teenager I sat her down and told her what I could. I never really told her what a jerk he was. I wanted to tell her how he used to force me to give him money and how he never held a job that wasn't under the table because he didn't want to pay child support. She now knows all of this. I have every police report and court document I ever received.
What I did tell her,was, your father loved us but not in the way that it would make it possible for us to live together as a family. I used to cry in the shower after. Every time. I than would ask her if she wanted me to contact him so she could meet him. She always said no. I din't ever push the issue I would just sigh with relief. Had she said yes, I would have done the correct thing.



A few months ago I'm watching T.V. and the phone rings. Dave goes to answer it and runs it over to me. The Id said- Sperm Donor.
So I answer the phone and he hangs up.
He calls again. And hangs up when I answer.
Finally when I answer he asks me if I am Melissa Phillips because he can't pronounce the last name. (Thats what he said, I swear to God) Before he can stumble on I cut him off and say, "Yes Sperm Donor it's me."

to be cont.
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7 comments:

Mama Goose said...

She's such a lucky girl that you had the guts to do what you did. She's a beautiful, strong and wonderful woman. Just like her mother.

carsick said...

Thank you Nell. When I think about some of the stuff I did I know I'm lucky that I'm not dead or in jail:)

Stacy D. Briefing said...

You are a courageous lady and an extraordinary mother! Any man that would raise a hand to a woman, drunk or not, is best left far, far behind.

I'm sick to my stomach wondering why the hell he would call after all this time...

KimberlyDi said...

I'm guessing from the pictures that maybe she has a half-brother that wanted to meet her?

Kadie is a beautiful girl, btw.

carsick said...

Oh No, the young man in the pictures is Grand Master B, Kadie's boyfriend!

KimberlyDi said...

Definately My bad! LOL

Audrey at Barking Mad said...

She's very lucky in that she has a a strong mom! You did the right thing...never question that.

And...she's damned beautiful! Beautiful and strong...just like her mama!

Looking forward to reading the rest of this.

BTW, I am BACK! I know I know, it's so hard to contain your enthusiasm! But hey, stop jumping up and down like that...you're kids are going to look at you funny!

BTW pt. 2...I'm going to be "home" in Maine this weekend!!! Checking on the old homestead and making sure it's still in one piece and deciding how to organize the crap in the garage in order to get it here to NY.