Thursday, May 27, 2010

DO not read this post unless you want to know how strange I am

I have had a real humdinger of a few weeks. I've been whiny, bitchy, sad and angry. With everyone. Not all the time, just when the people who love me aren't expecting it. It makes for a nice surprise for them. Then on Tuesday morning I really had a breakdown. You see my sister is in town and we were going out to see her in the afternoon. We couldn't wait to go. I was having the girls excused early from school so we could have a great afternoon.
I was going to make Irish Cream brownies for dessert. (Among a few other things like watermelon.) Dave had other ideas. Even though he wasn't supposed to be going with us. (Work gets in the way) He informed me, no, he TOLD me, that I and his children didn't need brownies and I couldn't make them. And did I really need brownies any way? You can imagine how I handled this piece of information. I went frickin nuts. Then the kids got up and were slow to get moving and my morning got worse. After I finally got them to school and got Dane to quit saying, "Are you mad at me mommy?" I just layed my head on the table and cried. And cried and cried. You never know how much you talk to someone until they are dead. I still talk but I don't get an answer.
I am so lonely. I have no one to talk to about the little things in life. About a month ago Dane and I went to Goodwill and I found a pair of Packers Crocs. A big score in our house since Dave is a cheese head. When I got back to the Church parking lot where I was waiting for Chrissy I called my mom to tell her. We all know how that went don't we? So when I pulled myself together I thought I'll call my Dave and tell him. (Now I should have known how this would go.) Let us say he didn't give a flying fuck about a pair of shoes. Which made me feel even worse. I really am alone. I have no friends. We as a couple have no friends. Which is how my husband likes it. Friends cause problems he says. We don't have time for anyone else. (Before you jump all over Dave, I have have to agree with him, sort of.) My next post will be, Anyone who says that they have a perfect marriage is full of shit.
So anyway, getting back to our afternoon of fun, I picked the kids up from school and when we got back to the house Dave was home. To show a united front for the kids, he went with us to my sisters. Where we had a great swim and an awesome boat ride. The weather was beautiful. I didn't make brownies. I probably will never make them again. I am hurt and confused to why our life is falling apart.
It's probably because I don't have a job and therefore don't bring anything to the table. So to speak.
Oh, there I go off subject again. Sorry. Does anyone know what is in the next picture?
They are moms ashes. Well the rest of them. (sob) Which is why I was so stressed out I think.
And here's my baby girl giving grammy a hug. Well her ashes anyway. We are a messed up family I tell ya! We all miss my mom.
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8 comments:

Mama Goose said...

Oh Sweetie. This made me cry. I wish I had something that would make you feel better. I really, really do. I'm sorry you're hurting.

FishermansDaughter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
FishermansDaughter said...

Oopsie - in my hurry to affirm I AM YOUR FRIEND some shiz was typoed - hence the deleted comment - DO OVAH!
Anyways, I know on-line isn't the same as real life but I is ur friend!! (HUG) Sorry to hear you're having such a rough go. In my experience, guys just don't NEED friends the way girls do.
Here - let's dig into this gigantic tray of brownies I made just for you.
OXOXOXFD

KimberlyDi said...

Big Hugs to you. I wasn't best friends with my mom. But I did value her advice and I did crave her approval of my achievements. I HATE what she's missing out on in our family. I really miss her.

I don't blog frequently because I'm afraid of getting "caught". It's a secret from my family. But when I do, it's loneliness sneaking out. A longing to connect.

We don't have friends either. Well, distant friends but the kind you get together with once every 3-4 years.

I think your husband was an ass to not let you make brownies, unless it was his backwards way of saying that you have too much on your plate to add making brownies to it. If he was trying to remove stress, then I forgive him.

Hang in there! Beautiful picture. I have some pictures just like that and shared connections and experiences make me smile.

KimberlyDi said...

BTW, the raw pain finally does fade from your mother's death. Memories will be sad but sweet. I cling to my memories. :)

It will get better.

carsick said...

Thanks everyone. I feel like such a baby.
I still don't know what the issue with the brownies was about. I think he feels I should be getting healthy. Plus he doesn't like brownies. He wasn't supposed to be there and I wasn't going to eat the hole darn pan. It still hurt and I still feel a nervousness in my stomach like something bad is going to happen.

Stacy D. Briefing said...

Hey girlie, Definitely put me down as one of your friends! I enjoy reading your posts and look forward to your comments on mine so much!
I'm sorry you are so stressed, depressed, etc. I too know a little about these feelings. I am reading a book on "Superstress" as we speak, trying to get a grip on things. (By Dr. Roberta Lee)
Men tho basically good, can say some of the most asinine things at times. After all these years, it never fails to amaze me! Honest! And I hear you about the perfect marriage thing. No-one's is perfect! I read about PW's Marlboro Man and think..."I'd have to call Ricardo Copenhagen Man....cause sometimes he just makes me want to spit!!!" LOL!
I'm sorry about your ongoing grief over your mom. I truly am. I wish I could make things better. You could have mine if ya want...Seriously, I'm not using her. :) Course, then you'd know why I'm so strange....;) Nevermind!

Sorry for the novel, if we lived closer we could do lunch, or drinks, or brownies!!! Hang in there-

I am Barking Mad said...

*hugs*

This brought tears to my eyes.

Call me. Seriously.