Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Practice Heart

My girls are still babies. That's how I feel. I want to keep them innocent for as long as I'm able. That doesn't mean that I don't want them to know things. They just don't really need to know everything. That's how I feel about SEX. Okay I said it. SEX. Let's talk about sex.
How can I talk about sex in front of my babies? They are BABIES! Hello! Look at them!
Before I get into SEX. Let me explain as best as I can the Practice Heart routine that goes on in our home.
My girls aren't allowed to date. Dane will not be allowed to either. I have and do tell the girls that they don't want to be a Practice Heart.
A Practice Heart is when you date someone and give them your Heart. A year, month, week, day or sometimes even an hour later they give you back your Heart and it's cracked. And it hurts. Then that boy, who is not a man, who has nothing to offer you finds himself another sucker to practice on until one day he finally becomes a man. Why not wait until he's that man?
I know this sounds hard on boys. I have a boy and it sounds bad. So in a boys defence, I don't want my son to break a girls heart. Whether he 12 or 18. At that age he has nothing to offer a girl. He can't support her. He can't give her the emotional support she needs. What he can do is knock her up and really make things difficult. What a boy needs to do is go to school, play sports or music or whatever floats his boat and grow up. Stress free of having some flighty PYT (pretty young thing) hanging all over him when he should and NEEDS to be concentrating on school, family and friends. No thirteen year old boy should have to worry about buying anyone outside of his family a gift of any kind.
I also talk to my girls about virginity. Yup I do. I say to them, Your body is a temple. It's yours. You need to know how to make it the best it can be. You need to know how to exercise your body and feed it the right foods. You need to know how it works. I mean how it really works. Like why does blood flow through your veins? What tissue is (the kind you don't blow your nose with) and so on. I don't limit their knowledge to just the female body but the male body too. I mean how many woman really know how a man's body functions? Anyway, back on subject. I tell the girls this. You give everyone your smiles, your honesty, your time, your devotion etc. Why not save this one thing, this one precious thing that you only have one of to your husband. A special gift for him and him alone.
We also talk about crushes. It's okay to have a crush on someone. Everyone has a crush on someone. It's part of growing up. That doesn't mean that you have to jump in bed with them. You don't have to act on every impulse that you have. As an adult we can't act on our every impulse. If we did there would be a lot of crime. So even though you like a boy, you don't have to do anything about it.

Why I have decided to talk about this today is because Chrissy had a neighbor friend over last week. They are in the same grade, ride the same bus and have many of the same friends. But Chrissy and this girl aren't really friends. If that makes sense.
She is twelve and a week ago had her school physical where the doctor informed her and her mother that she should be on birth control of some kind. This child, no baby, sat on my couch telling our entire family about it. SHE'S 12!!!!! Help us Sweet Baby Jesus! I won't go into the whole conversation but I will say she covered all the bases. Gulp. I went to bed that night and my brain zipped and zapped all night long thinking about how I was going to talk to my daughter about that conversation. I was so nervous that I didn't bring it up until Sunday night when I was driving her to youth group.
It went something like this. (I can't remember word for word because I was so nervous about saying the right thing, I want her to know SEX is AWESOME! Just not right now. I don't want my kids to be ashamed of their bodies and feelings.)
Me: So what did you think of your friends info the other night?
Chrissy: silence, you could have heard a pin drop.
Me: Do you know exactly how people have SEX?
Chrissy: Shakes her head no.
Me: Well then, let me tell you. A man has a penis and he puts in it a woman's vagina.
Chrissy: Yeah, I know that. Why?
Me: Um, well, um, well when your married it's a lot of fun. (Why the hell would I say that?)
Me: When you have SEX the result is a baby. That's why babies are such a gift. They are a gift created by two married people who love each other.
Chrissy: (Who at this point has her hair pulled forward and I can see only one eye. Said eye is darting all over the place seeming to say get me the hell out of here.)
Me: Do you have any questions?
Chrissy: What's birth control?
Me: Birth control is something that a woman and sometimes a man uses to prevent birth. Sometimes, moms and dads can't afford to have anymore children and they still want to have sex.
Chrissy: Why?
Me: Um, well, it's cheaper than going to the movies on Saturday night. And more fun. Okay now, we are at Church time to get out. I'll see you in a few hours.
Chrissy: Rolling her one eye, Bye mom. Oh and Thanks.
I'm still a mess over the whole thing.

Monday, August 30, 2010

A Day at the Beach

Having made it through two whole days of school, I decided on Friday that we deserved a beach day. So Saturday morning we rounded up some cousins and made the one hour and forty minute trek to the beach.
We couldn't have planned a more perfect time. It wasn't too hot or too cold. The kids played in the water and dug in the sand. Our only incident was when a seagull snatched a sandwich out of my little cousin's hand. He tried to fight back but the seagull had brought friends so I had to step in and shriek,"Baby H, Baby H, Let GO OF THE SANDWICH!" All I could think of was The Birds.
The girls did awesome their first two days of school. Chrissy is settling in and the teachers have said it will take a month or so to really get the hang of it. Meanwhile I have no fingernails left. My fingers will be nubs before it's over. Mimi, well Mimi has a hard time adjusting to new things. In her head she sees how she thinks something should go and when that doesn't happen she melts down. So far no melt downs but Dave and I have had to really cater to her every need to keep it from happening.

I think the biggest thing that's happened is Chrissy and I have had to have SEX talk. That's going to be my next post. Just as soon as I can think of how to write it without looking like a hypocrite.

PS What do you think of Dane's new hair? He cut it twice in a weeks time so my cousin came over and buzzed him about a week ago. New haircut same bad attitude.
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Thursday, August 26, 2010

Seventh Grade

This morning our oldest child at home got up at 5:30am to get on a bus at 6:20am. She is officially in Jr. High. I am so excited and nervous for her that I don't know if I'll get anything done here at home while I'm waiting for her to come back home.
She was a real trooper this morning. She hates to get up early. She has had awful anxiety about this new phase in her life and has been sleeping with me or close to me the past few nights. At first we were sending her repeatedly back to her room but at 2am she would still be awake. If I let her stay with me she'd be asleep by 10.
So this morning she got up and showered and got herself ready all with me trailing around behind her. Which probably made her more nervous. She put on a black tank top and then put a white shirt on over it. I said why are you doing that? Shouldn't you put the white shirt on and then the black tank top. NO, she said, I like it this way. Then she put on her jeans and proceeded to roll the bottoms up like Capri pants (but she doesn't like Capri pants) of course I had to butt in and re roll them to make them even. After that I helped her put in her new black hoop earrings that she bought when I wasn't looking at GoodWill. All the while she kept telling me that I could go do something else. I didn't need to follow her around. So I went and turned the computer on so she could FB her morning before she left for school. After that I noticed she had on a set of bright red old lady beads. I wasn't going to say anything but I couldn't help myself. (I didn't want to upset her but she really didn't match well) So I casually sidled up next to her and said ,"Are you really going to where those ugly red beds?) Okay, I'm a jerk I admit it. She looked at me and nervously smiled and said, "These are Grammies beads." SO she's wearing the beads today. After that I helped her blow dry her hair and reminded her to put cream on her face. She told me again that I didn't need to help her. grrr. I had nothing else to do. Dave was in the kitchen making her breakfast and her snack. That poor kid had more attention than she's had in awhile.
We finally got her already and she headed out to the bus stop, with me leaning over the porch trying to get a good picture. I was okay and feeling fine until I saw this:

DO YOU SEE THAT BOY!!!!!?????!!!!! He's in ninth grade! Look at her! She's just a baby! Dave had to haul me in the house so I wouldn't go stand next to her to protect her while waiting for the bus.
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Wednesday, August 18, 2010

This is my life

Something that I never dreamed that I would need to say in my lifetime.
Hey, hey, HEY!!! Don't let the dog lick your penis!!!!!!!!!

Friday, August 13, 2010

The Joys of Camping

Last week I decided I would take the kids camping by myself. Then on Sunday when I was supposed to leave my husband said he didn't want us to go. So we didn't. If I had really wanted to go nothing would have stopped me. But I was a little nervous. So Sunday afternoon was spent wishing I went but not doing anything about it.

I have been really in a pit of hell lately. Missing my mom has taken up my life. I think because its almost the one year mark and this time last year was awful. I have been reliving it constantly. I don't mean to, really! It just keeps creeping in to my mind. I try to shove it away and push it back. I find myself having these conversations with myself. One part of my mind is crying for my mom and real tears are pouring down my cheeks and the other part of my mind is saying "Get a grip on yourself! Your family needs you." I try to keep pushing on but I end up not getting done what I need to do and disappointing everyone around me. Now to really wallow in self pity, it sucks to be me.
Monday morning I told my lovey that I wish we had went camping. He said why don't you go then. I didn't do anything but lay on the bed and cry. At 10:00 he called and asked if we were going and I blurted out yes before I could say no. So camping we went. We were all packed so it didn't take long to get on the road. In the back of my mind I thought that if I could just get away from the house for a few days I could get a clear head and everything would work itself out. Everything went smoothly getting there and the tent went up without a hitch. With the exception of the fricken rocks and tree roots. But the girls and I did it! I seriously think that my husband didn't think I could get it done. GO GIRL POWER!!! GO!!!! Mt. Blue State Park was lovely. The lake was nice and the walking paths were beautiful. Except that I couldn't get the girls to walk anywhere. And they refused to use the outhouses. Chrissy went 12 hours without peeing until I finally took her to the big bathrooms. The girls a real camel.
I took a picture of the inside of the tent so you'd know I wasn't fibbing. I really went on my own. The first night it rained like a son of a bitch. We found out the tent has a leak and a few things got wet but no big deal. We talked to Dave Tuesday morning and he said he thought he'd be able to come up and spend the night. The girls were so happy. Marian wanted him to come up so she could go home with him because she told him she was having a bad time. I'm bored she said. Walking is boring, swimming is boring. How a slap in the head I said, is that boring? She stuck her tongue out at me. Then her and Chrissy decided to argue the rest of the day. Late morning I realized the camera card wasn't in my camera so we did a thirty minute ride to Walmart to get one. I also bought some salad off the deli to eat with dinner. I put in in a hot/cold bag on the ride back. (I'm getting to something here)

Dave couldn't come up after all because his schedule changed at work. The girls were sad until he told us Kadie was on her way. I was so happy, I was going to have all my kids and I wasn't going to have to share them with daddy. He usually is the one that has all the fun with the kids
The one thing about camping when it rains is you can't control the mud! AGH! Sand in my sleeping bag!
Anyway, Tuesday afternoon we were sitting around the fire deciding what to do the rest of the day and I got into the salad from Walmart. It was good and I had a big bowl of it. The girls pigged out on junk food. When it was time for dinner no one was hungry so we decided to wait for Kadie to arrive.
Kadie showed up about 8:00 and the poor thing had got lost trying to find us. It also had rained during the evening and she kept having to pull over because she couldn't see well. We didn't want to burst her bubble but we were soooooooo tired. Camping takes alot out of you. By 9 we were all in bed. By 9:05 I knew I was going to puke or poop. Maybe both. And maybe both at the same time. I told Kadie I was going to be sick and she threw me her car keys and I raced (10 mph) to the big bathrooms and proceeded to get violently ill. I hung out there for awhile and went back to the camp site and now it was really raining out. I didn't go in the tent because I knew I would be sick. It was awful (something just happened to my font and I can't fix it) I sat by the fire not daring to move because I knew I'd puke. Kadie came and sat with me. Telling me unless stories to try to take my mind off being sick. It didn't help. But I was grateful for the ditraction. I kept having to run to the outhouse to go to the bathroom and even though I covered my face with my sweatshirt I would still start to gag and would burst forth from the outhouse with the door slamming hard and running for the bushes. This kept up until about 3am. Kadie said my dry heaves only echoed through the campground a little bit. I think she was trying to be nice.
We went in to finally sleep and ten minutes later I knew I was once again going to puke. I jumped up and started to unzip the tent and got my hair caught in the zipper. WHY OH WHY DO THESE THINGS HAPPEN TO ME!? I was in the process of ripping hair from my head when Kadie untangled it for me and I made a dash to the bushes. After that I finally was able to crawl in my sleeping bag, grab Dane and put him in with me because his face felt cold and sleep.
Kadie and I both woke up at 6, I don't think she actually slept though, and we drifted back off to sleep. At 8:30 I woke to a very warm and wet feeling around my stomach and chest area. As I moved to see what it was the smell of urine assaulted my nostrils like you wouldn't believe. Dane peed. On me. When I looked up all three girls started to giggle and said ewwwww Dane! He kept sleeping. At that point I just gave up and said, "Girls we are going home." And they cheered.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Camping Part 2

I guess I'm not much of a camper. It's too much work. It takes an entire day to pack and then you forget half of your shit. My kids become cranky and want things for every place we stop and when they don't get it they become Children of the corn. Just to get to the camping area we had to drive two hours. Then when we checked in we found out that they just checked someone in two hours before us with my name. Isn't that strange the park ranger comments. Yeah, I say it sure is strange. Maybe you should check over that paperwork again cause there isn't too many people from the state of Maine with my first and last name. He checks and sees that he gave someone the wrong paperwork and where my name is printed under the people have to sign their name which they did. Does anyone read what they sign? We had to wait for a ranger to make sure they were on the correct campsite before we could go in. If the ranger would have looked at their paperwork he would have found that they had a 35 foot camper that wouldn't fit on a tent site. I did point that out to him in the end. And I was only a little bitchy about it.
Once you get to your site you have to set up. That means making all of your children lug supplies back and forth while they are protesting vigorously and loudly. Maybe I should send them to work in China for a few months and maybe when they got home they'd have a new tude. Once everything is set up its immediately time to eat. It doesn't matter if it's in the middle of the afternoon or the middle of the night. Kids can't ever let you sit down for one minute to regroup. The I'm hungries start. After they have been fed its the I'm bored, I'm hot/cold, can we go swimming syndrome.
The only chance you have to have any good time at all is to run the piss out of them. Take them swimming and don't let them out of the water for at least an hour. No matter how cold the water is. After an hour of cold Maine water their little lips are blue but their teethe are chattering so bad they can't talk. (You might get some weird looks from the other do-good mommies but frig them they aren't 41 with a three year old) Directly after that take them hiking. Make them walk until they lay on the ground and can't move. Then offer the first one back to camp a KitKat. As they all race back to camp at breakneck speed walk along at a slow pace enjoying the sites as you eat the KitKat that was for the winner. After all it wasn't my fault it was the last KitKat. I thought there were more. Then take them back to the beach area to collect rocks. After they have filled all of their pockets and yours (after they fall asleep throw all of the rocks away so you can go back and collect more the next day, but don't ever admit that your the one who pitched them) head back to camp. By then these children surely should be tired. I know I was. And again it was time to cook more damn food.

Here's mister hiker himself. His face is dirty and he has dried blood on his hand and embedded under his finger nails. I'm now just able to get it all off.
And the girls, oh my beautiful smart girls. What do they do for kicks when it's all said and done and they are settling down for the evening. Why they make a video. Not just any video but a How To video. How to correctly pick your nose in class so no one notices.
After that I click my heels three times and say PLEASE TAKE ME HOME.
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Tuesday, August 3, 2010

On the road again

As I told you last week, we went camping over the weekend. It was against both mine and Dave's better judgement because we both felt like crap but we sucked it up anyway.
                                                              It took two vehicles to pack everything up and I still forgot my coffee and percolator. But I still didn't know that when we stopped here at Walmart. I didn't remember until we got westofeastbumfuck. Then I wanted to cry. I forgot other stuff too but the coffee was the worst. I did end up buying a small jar of instant and it was okay. Better than I thought it would be.
Our dog has a new name now. It's no longer Trapper. It's Stink. He rode with Dave. Stink is an awesome camper though. He just goes with the flow. He doesn't bark at every noise he just lays on the ground waiting for his next meal. Or for Dane to feed him his food. You know it is really funny but the worse Stink stinks the more Dane lays all over him. Then they both stink. Baths don't seem to help either of them.
We were really happy to find out that dogs can go to most campgrounds. Not that we wanted to bring him but to find someone to watch him was hard. We would worry every time we left him that he would get loose or who ever was watching him would forget to let him out.
Here's the final setup. It was a big camp site and pretty secluded. It was a nice place to camp but I don't know if I'll ever get used to sleeping on the ground. I didn't sleep on a mat and the ground was cold and it seeped right through my bones. It also made me have to get up to pee SIX times during the night. Outhouses are scary during the day but at night its even worse. My imagination was in overdrive. It really wouldn't have surprised me if I got sucked in the outhouse by the poop monster. If you've never used an outhouse you don't know what your missing.
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