Thursday, February 10, 2011

The Beauty of it all

Winters can be harsh here in Maine. I suppose they can be harsh anywhere it gets cold out. Unfortunately this winter has been one of the worst we've had in a few years. I can't stand temperatures below zero. Maybe if our old house wasn't drafty. Actually drafty isn't the word I should use. Down right cold in our house is what I should have said. When you get up in the morning and it's only fifty eight degrees inside and the thermostat is set for sixty eight you know it well below zero. You know your feet are going to be cold. You know your going to be chasing your son around the house all day trying to put socks back on his feet because your cold. You know your going to have to drag out a space heater and put it in the bathroom before the girls wake up so when they wake up they don't have to sit on a cold toilet seat.  
It also means to me that I should always keep my camera close to me at all times. Because in all of this bleakness there is beauty. So much beauty.
As the wind whips all around us the kids ask how the little animals survive the cold. Where do they find food? How do they stay warm? Do they have babies in the winter? Where do the deer go? Why can't we see them? How come we have ducks in our river? Why didn't they fly south? Are they dumb ducks?
I want to know why I always forget how cold winter can be. Why is it when you have a mild winter you forget how harsh a cold one is? Why DID I move to Maine again?

In other news, Hospice called our house asking how I was doing a year and five months after my moms death. I wished I wouldn't have picked up the phone.
In many ways I'm much better. I don't cry everyday anymore. I'm able to say my moms name without crying. I do catch myself calling her and when the message comes on that this number is no longer inservice I am always momentarily surprised. 
I'm still not sure of what to do with myself. For four years my job was to worry about my mom. First being long distance and having to make sure she was cared for properly and then as things progressed having to fly to her on a moments notice. Sometimes with all the kids in towe. When we convinced her to seel her home and move to Maine I never dreamed that it cold get worse but it did and I was on autopilot. You do what you have to do.
But what do you do when its over?
Its been over a year and I still can't get it together. 


KimberlyDi said...

It'll get better. Time will provide a bigger and bigger cushion between your heart and the crushing pain. It has been 5 years here and I just miss her now instead of crying all the time.

Have faith. You'll make it.

FishermansDaughter said...

Maybe you're so close that you can't see it M, I can - even from here - you ARE better. For me, loss is the kind of pain that never really ever goes completely away, but it takes longer and longer vacations.