Monday, May 2, 2011

The Ruined Sunday and Preteen Madness

Sometimes I wonder if I have Mad Cow Disease.
 I mean I know I am the adult and they are the kids and I'm supposed to let what-ever they say just roll off my shoulders. Not to say that they should act like brats and get away with it. What I'm not supposed to do is flip out. And yesterday, flip out, is what I did.
For some reason (bwaaahaaahaahaa) my girls have been fighting like CRAZY lately. The go to bed arguing and get up arguing. All Z and I hear is,"Stop mocking me" "Don't look at me" "I saw you roll your eyes" and my favorite, 'I wish they would give you to another family, one that hates you.' The list goes on. Normally I can semi handle all of the bickering but I couldn't yesterday.

So let me back up and fill you in on how I became a Mad Cow on Sunday morning. Friday night Chrissy had track then had to be brought to the Church for an event by 6pm. It was an overnight thing and she didn't pack any of her stuff until the last minute. Then it was a huge rush. Saturday morning I had to get up early to get her siblings ready and go and get her at the church at 8am. From there I had to get her to the Jr. High to catch a bus to the track meet. The other children and I went back to the town we just left and waited for the meet to begin. We were there in the biting wind for six hours.( I don't know wether my face is sunburned or wind burned.) Then we had to take her back to the church and drop her off and rush back home. Once we got home we had to hurry, hurry, hurry to clean ourselves up, make 4 loaves of garlic bread and one extra large salad and pile into the truck and race back to the church to serve 45 teens food because they hadn't eaten for thiry hours. (They were doing a 30 hour famine) Help clean up, pile back in the truck and head home. Yes Chrissy was very tired. We all were. We got home and got everyone bathed and put to bed. Once the girls were in bed we could hear them bickering. I would have thought that Chrissy would have been too tired to bicker but she wasn't.
So Sunday morning rolled around. Sunday is my favorite day. Get up,go to church, do a little shopping and a lot of laying around with the family. Z and I look forward to it. Then it happened. Chrissy wouldn't get up. When I finally got her up she was pissy. VERY MUCH SO. She wanted to go to church but she wanted it on her terms and to make everyone around her miserable. Which she was doin a great job of. (From here it gets ugly) I repeatedly told her to mind her own business and be quiet. She would not and was talking back with everything anyone said. At one point I said to her,"For every action there's a reaction and you are crossing the line now stop it!" To which she screamed,"I don't care!" then she proceeded to mock me. I then flipped out and grabbed her. I'm not sure what exactly happened after that. I believe its because it was so ugly my mind has blotted it out. It ended up with her in her room and me sitting on the steps crying. I felt just awful on one hand. On the other hand, she knows the difference between right and wrong.
I packed the other kids up and left Z home with Chrissy and started to head to church. My hands were shaking, my head was pounding and my mind was racing. I didn't make it to church. I pulled over at the park and let the kids run around for a few minutes to try and collect myself. I glanced at myself in the mirror and hated what I saw. It wasn't the puffy eyes, the red nose or the blotchy skin that bothered me. It was the person who flipped out. The person who flipped out like her mother used to. The person I said I would never turn into. And it really scared me.
I never did make it to church because I couldn't bring myself to go looking like I did but we did go to Walmart to get some groceries. On the way home I wondered about that. Why wouldn't I go to church? Isn't that where I should have gone? Why did I go to Walmart? I was embarressed to be at Church but not Walmart. That can't be good.


KimberlyDi said...

Recognition that you can be like your mom can be the extreme motivation for a complete reversal.

You are NOT doomed to become what you hated about your mom. It is a group effort. Your children cannot be allowed to treat you that way.

Best wishes. You'll be ok.

FishermansDaughter said...

First, I love you. Truly. (HUG and here have a drahnk!) Takes a lot of courage to admit and expose aspects of yourself that aren't so glittery. Second. It happens. Don't hate or guilt yourself. You're human. I think it's really GOOD for our kiddos to see that we are not stone, when they overstep stated (and restated and restated!) boundaries, sometimes - there are UGLY consequences. Stop means NOW not after she mouths off AGAIN. Third the whole not going to church thing? People know and recognize you there. You're faceless at Wally World. Even as shook as you were, you still managed to do something productive and took the kids to the park before hand to let them blow off steam and give yourself some time to collect. Excellent compromise. No shame and I SO get the whole "Holy shiz I am my mutha." But you know what? You're not, nor will you ever be. EVER. Gettin yer nut cracked by your kids? Par for the Mommy course. OX

FishermansDaughter said...

Hey KD send me your e-mail and I'll send you an invite to my blog - had to go private.

Mama Goose said...

You blew a fuse, sure. We all do. But do you do it every day - multiple times a day? N.O. We all get pushed to our limits from time to time. There will be many more tests - Sometimes you'll find renewed strength at church. Sometimes at Wal*Mart...You're an amazing mother. I hope you can see that. <3