I'm not sure where all the time has gone but this Friday my mom will have been gone for two years. For whatever reason this has hit me much harder than last year. As a matter of fact I'll go on to say that I think I'm going a little bit crazy.
It started at the first of the month when I would cry at the drop of a hat. At first I blamed PMS. (I blame everything on that) Then my so called PMS morphed into something much bigger than I could ever imagine. I wouldn't leave the house unless I had to. (Still won't) Z would stop in if he could during the day to make sure I was making it to all of the things I had to do. He was calling me quite a bit to keep me motivated and on schedule. Trust me, if he wasn't doing this I would go back to bed and not get up. Also know that I don't like being told I have to do something even if I scheduled myself to do it and to have Z remind me to do it , well, lets just say it ain't been no picnic for Z. All the while I'm living day to day just trying to get through the day.
Then last week I remembered that my moms day O death was approaching. At that point everything clicked. I understood why I have been acting so out of it. I'm not going to let this control my life as it has the past two years. My mom wouldn't want this for me. I don't want this for me or for my family. But I can't will it away. It just won't go. I can't make peace with the fact that she's gone. I have so much bitterness in my heart that I can't let go of even though I keep praying for it to.
I haven't spoke to number 1 child all week because I know she has had such a hard time with my moms passing and as soon as I hear her voice I know I'm going to lose it and she doesn't need this.